Discipline

     There was always a ritual to it.  That was something upon which I could count. 

     Whenever I violated a known law of the house there was sure to be a price paid and the payment of that debt always followed a ritual. If at home, I would be immediately sent to my room to await the judgment.  If in public, silence would follow the discovery of the infraction – it was a living silence pregnant with dread – until privacy permitted the ritual.

     The waiting was probably the worst part.  Sure, the paddle or the belt or the hand left a mark and an impression, but the waiting for it seemed cruel and inhuman.  “Let’s just get on with it,” I would silently shout.  Anything would be better than that anticipation of execution of sentence.
It wasn’t until many years later that I was briefed in on the real purpose of the waiting.  It wasn’t to add to my punishment – though that was certainly a by-product.  It was to give my dad time to cool down so the punishment that was deserved could be meted out without the anger or emotion of the moment of the infraction.  It was for my benefit – my safety – my good.

     How much like the Heavenly Father, who never fails to discipline His disciples.  What additional proof is needed to reveal His love and His concern for us than His discipline when we violate His Will and His Law? (Proverbs 3:11-12)

     As for the rest of the ritual?  The spanking was painful but was always followed by prayer.  And, without exception, the relationship between my dad and me was stronger and more vital as a result of those times.  While it surely pained him to punish me – something I never really believed until I was faced with disciplining my own sons – it was for my good.  And in that way my dad modeled the Father.

     I’m thankful for the example dad lived out for me.

     I’m even more thankful that God never lets me off the hook but lovingly punishes me and, by doing so, reveals His love for me and His deep desire that I live His way.

A Simple Task

Written by A Prodigal on January 15, 2007.

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He answered, “Here I am.” Genesis 37:13b

Joseph would never have believed how that day would turn out.  How his agreement to perform that errand for his aging father would change his life.  How that paternal request fulfilled an eternal plan.

Joseph was an instrument of God’s but his edges were rough.  His dreams were gifts from above but the ability to harness them for God’s purposes would require many difficult miles, many lonely days and nights, many heart breaking setbacks and times of utter discouragement.  Little did he know, as he set out to find had brothers, that he was stepping into God’s crucible and fulfilling his divine destiny.

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For more Ponderings, click here

Judging

“With what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” Matthew 7:2

 

“Judge” and “Grudge” are identical twins. They are usually seen together. We seldom judge critically those we really love. May the Lord deliver us from ….

 

Judging

We dare not, must not, judge our fellowman;

Our eyes see but the surface of his deeds.

‘Tis Christ’s prerogative–for He alone

Perceives the motive, and the heart’s deep needs.

 

With endless patience, like a warning bell,

He cautions us to love both friend and foe;

If we usurp His judgment, we shall merit HIS–

For grudges held are as toward Him, you know!

 

There is no healing in an unforgiving heart;

It’s fervent zeal, though seeming from above,

Is parched and barren–yes, a fruitless thing–

That none can cure but God, for “God is LOVE!”

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

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August 13, 2001 (Part 3 of 4)

I know your own pain is so intense and unbearable that it’s hard to imagine anyone else hurting, too – this is natural – all I could think of was, “My God, I’ve made a mess of everything and I have lost my family, my ministry, my life!!”  All the while your poor mother was dying by degrees.  You boys were dying.  Pastors and laymen over the nation were praying for me and dying.  Be patient.

Where was I?  I had a thought going and lost it when your letter came –

Oh, yes….O. J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole, who was murdered, has a sister who was so shattered by Nicole’s death that she has started a national program for battered women.  I see her on the news programs often.

John Walsh, whose son was kidnapped and murdered was nearly destroyed himself through that terrible experience.  It was at this time that he went to D. C. and all the major news networks and got permission and funding to start the broadcast “America’s Most Wanted” which has run for 16 years and has been the means of apprehending hundreds of criminals and sex offenders.

All that to say this: you have to fight the thing that nearly destroyed you, or it will overtake you and finish the job.

They say, “The best defense is a good offense.”

Nothing reinforces your own recovery and reduces the risk of relapse like active involvement in a program to help others with the same problem.  And Son, it’s everywhere. 

MSNBC, as well as many other networks, is carrying one program after another about “Sex for Sale” which has flooded the country and the world, now reaching little children through the Web until little children are making copies of nude people and exchanging them with each other at school!  The accessibility of the computer sex market has flooded the country until it has reached epidemic proportions.

A congressional committee has or is meeting in D.C. to discuss this real problem (I saw this on C-Span).  They had video machines set up and were reviewing some of the material that our children have access to.  Porn is linked with most major crime in the U.S. and other countries.  It’s powerful and pervasive.  It’s obsessive and addictive.

Something to think about in view of your own precious boys – as well as other scores of children just like yours: nothing builds trust with the ones you’ve injured like taking an active role in combating the problem.

Had I not become active in helping alcoholics and addicts the 5 years at Hope Harbor and another 4 years in charge of the out-patient program at the hospital, I doubt I would be alive today.  Hundreds went through those programs that were helped and many have held out and are in recovery and many in church with their families.  My dream was to make this old house a recovery center or an intermediate care facility for people getting out of treatment centers for 30 days with nowhere to go except back to the old “playgrounds and playmates” which leads them back into relapse.

But I have had no money and by the time I got the place partially restored my health had begun to fail.  But it’s OK today.

The 8^th of next month will be 11 unbroken years I have been free one day at a time from the addiction that destroyed my ministry, my marriage and nearly my life!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Read Part 2 of this letter…

Read Part 4 of this letter…..

Turn The Light Back On

In the beginning, “God said, ‘Let there be light.’  And there was light.”  (Genesis 1:3)  And this light was the essence of God shared with the world.  It was not the created sun.  Check the record.  The sun wasn’t spoken into existence until day four.  This light was God Himself.  This was the light John wrote of at the very beginning of his gospel.  “In Him was life, and that life was the light of men.” It was the inextinguishable, incomprehensible, inexplicable radiance from the pure personality of the Creator.

And He shared this part of Himself with a dark world.  “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.”  (Isa. 9:2)

But then God did the most amazing thing.  Something more amazing than creation.  More wonderful and frightening than anything ever done before or since.  Something that surely left all Heaven in stunned silence.

The Creator gave the created the light switch.

And the created used it to turn off the light.

Light makes us uncomfortable, doesn’t it?  Darkness hides the dust on the furniture, the dog hair on the rug, the wrinkles on the skin and the mess we’ve made of our lives.  Get it dark enough and even the sink full of dishes and the heartaches and heartbreaks can seem to disappear.

We turn the lights down in our homes and in our souls.  We think things, plan things and indulge in things in the dark we would never contemplate if the light was on.  The Great Deceiver has convinced us that, like the two year old with his eyes closed, if we can’t see God, He can’t see us.  Satan whispers that one night of drunken rivalry won’t hurt anything or anyone – besides, haven’t we earned the right to a little fun?  One act of adultery or fornication won’t matter.  After all, it’s a God-given human urge, isn’t it?  One pill or one joint is alright.  It’s just to numb this pain.

So we hit the switch.  We turn God’s light off.  We move around with darkness in our souls thinking we’re having fun and living the good life.  We spend money we don’t have to hang out with people we don’t really like and try to numb the pain which will only return.  We live this pretend life when there could be so much more.

Yeah, turning on the light will be painful initially.  Shocking.  Look at the mess we’ve been calling life.  Discouraging.  Is there really a fulfilling life possible?  Cleaning house after avoiding it for a while is no fun.  Even less fun is the piercing light of God’s presence illuminating all the recesses of our souls so long in the dark.

Reality check.  God handed us the switch, but it was a loan and not a transfer of ownership.

One day our switch will be deactivated and God will turn on the light once and for all.  And on that day the garbage piled up over the years will be displayed.

Wouldn’t it be better to use the switch, face the initial pain and invite Jesus in for a field day?

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”  And, while we may be embarrassed about the mess, He knows about it already and just really wants to help clean up.

Bright light can be initially painful to those coming out of the darkness, but light cleanses, heals and gives life.

What will you do with your switch?

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For more Ponderings, click here.

August 13, 2001 (Part 2 of 4)

Dr. Willingham wrote, “God learned something new in human suffering when He stepped down on the battlefield of human suffering and sorrow.”

It was because of this the writer of Hebrews spoke of Christ, the High Priest who, “is touched by feeling of our infirmities, and who is acquainted with our grief.”

There is an understanding through identification once we have experienced the pain!  Only those who have been there are qualified to share!

It was Betty Ford who, after disgracing her office as First Lady through her alcoholic addiction, later confessed that she had to “step down” in surrender which included cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors on her hands and knees.  It was there she heard the cry of those, like herself, trapped in addiction.

She faced another day and the crowds of people, among which were her family, President Ford and their children…..  In a touching ceremony, she placed her foot on a golden shovel, and turned the first shovel of soil for the construction of the Betty Ford Clinic, where thousands of actors, politicians and congressmen and women have completed successful recovery from alcohol and drugs.

Charles Colson disgraced, indicted and sentenced to Federal prison for his involvement in the Watergate scandal finally heard the cry of suffering inmates and started prayer groups with them.  When released he organized the nationally known Prison Ministry, and Chuck has traveled for years speaking in churches and prisons and has written books that have gone around the world touching and blessing thousands.

*****Just got your letter of August 8^th and have had a crying time and prayed and agonized for you.

Yes, Son, I am with you all way!  I understand your loneliness and the scorn you feel.  I know.

You mentioned your brother.  Not only is he neck deep in that business, as well as trying to be attentive to your boys and your wife, he has told me he has made a number of trips up to visit with you and the slot was taken by your girlfriend.  You have not mentioned her to me, but I can understand how you would hold on to her.  I’ve been there on that one, too.  They would come to the treatment centers and hospitals where I would be confined and visit with them and bring me things, etc.  I didn’t care that much about them but I felt they were all I had!  So I would hold on.  It was like a man floundering out in the ocean and reaching out to hold onto anybody or anything!  I held on to a lot of driftwood trying to stay afloat  - then when I would get to shore and collect my wits I would realize they were the last people I wanted to be with.  By that time they had run up my credit cards, etc.  (One Sears bill for $1000 for tires and shocks that took me a year or more to pay off.)

But if there is true meaning to the relationship and you really love her, then do it right.  Pray together and when you get out, marry her, and move to Little Rock or Jackson, TN, and start a new life together.  But I sure wouldn’t slap this in the faces of the family in Memphis.  They need freedom and you do, too…time to heal.

Call your brother and ask him to come and see you.  He can tell you what is going on with the business and your family.  You need him.  He loves you and is deeply indebted to you for all you have meant to him and done for him over the years.  But he does not have a good attitude about your girlfriend.  He feels she played a part in your downfall.  This is only natural for him to feel this way.  I understand, but he doesn’t.  He has never been “there” and hope he doesn’t get there.

But you need to stay close whatever you have to do.  You must realize that for the people that love you there is a “love/anger” stage they are going through.  You boys did it with me.  “If Dad loved us why did he leave mother and take off and leave us?”  Andy said his anger caused him to go on the ramble just like I did.  We vent our anger in different ways.

Your brother loves you but he’s hurting badly.  Only you can help this by being patient.

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Read Part 1 of this letter.

Read Part 3 of this letter.

Packrats

Packrats.  Disgusting little rodents.  Certainly not something you would typically choose as a pet.  Most of us wouldn’t willingly even bring them into our homes.

But, for all our disgust, we actually have a lot of the same traits.

And if you doubt that last statement, live in the same place for a while and try to repack into the same boxes.  Impossible!

We’re a species of collectors.  We have the “I-might-need-it-later” syndrome.  Our newspapers and even the roadside telephone poles are littered with advertisements of yard, garage and rummage sales.  We hold them and we attend them.  “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” should be printed on our currency.  It defines us.

It doesn’t really matter, though.  All that stuff simply serves to reduce our net available living space.

The real problem is that this sickness – and it is a sickness, a spiritual sickness – extends into our spiritual life, too.

We have garages full of grudges.  “I can’t forgive them for what they did to me.”

We have jars of jealousy and closets of covetousness.  Attics of attitudes and whole houses full of hurts, heartaches and hang-ups.

We hoard these things, collecting and almost treasuring them.  And, before we realize what we’ve done, we’ve built shrines for them and worship at their altars.  They displace and replace God on the center stage of our lives.

Does this surprise God?  No.  He made us.  He knows us.  Why else would He command the children of Israel, on the eve of their conquest of the Promised Land, destroy everything belonging to the Canaanites.

“Do not covet the sliver and gold on [the images of their gods], and do not take it for yourselves, or you will be ensnared by it, for it is detestable to the Lord your God.  Do not bring a detestable thing into your house, or you, like it, will be set apart for destruction.”  (Deut. 7:25-26)

What detestable thing have you brought into your house?  What attitude or possession sits on the altar of your heart?

God is a jealous God.  He will not share the stage of your heart.

Could it be time for a garage sale?

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Stop Looking Around

But when he started looking around at the wind and waves, he became frightened and, beginning to sink, he called out, “Lord, save me!” – Matthew 14:30

            Stupid.  Humans are stupid.  “Stupid is as stupid does,” says the actor, and that just about sums it up.  After all, stupidity isn’t dependent on intelligence.  It is revealed by the actions we take – the decisions we make – in spite of our intelligence.

            Or maybe that isn’t it at all.  Perhaps we’re just cursed with short memories.  Like the children of Israel, we forget the things God did yesterday.  Our problems of the present wash away our memory of the miracles of our Savior.

            In Matthew 14, we find our Lord, early in His ministry, being struck by tremendous grief.  The disciples had all been appointed but it was early.  The news came that cousin John had been beheaded.

            Jesus needed time to be alone – to grieve – but the crowds were relentless.  They followed and clamored after Him.

            And He had compassion on them.  He talked to them.  He healed them.  He fed them.  (Do you think the disciples ever realized the significance of the twelve baskets of leftovers?)

Finally, the day ends.  The disciples are sent across the lake.  Jesus is alone with His Father and His thoughts.

And the storm came.

So, in spite of His fatigue – in spite of His grief – He starts across the lake to find His men.

And find them He does.  Still digesting the miraculous leftovers, they are consumed with fear and panic over their circumstances.  The waves and wind have extinguished the glow of the sublime.  The rain and thunder have distracted them.

And when impetuous Peter does focus on the Lord long enough to take his two or three heaven-empowered steps, the world around him bombards his senses and changes his focus again.  From the Son to the seas.  From the miraculous to the mundane.  From the Christ to the circumstances.  From the eternal to the immediate.

            Once again, just when Peter was about to go under, he cried out to Jesus to save him.  Again.

And He did.  Again.

Maybe it’s pain.  Not stupidity or short memories, but pain.  We don’t learn lessons in life until the pain becomes so intense it breaks us.

For a child, one touch of a hot burner teaches an unforgettable lesson.  Instruction, counseling and the experience of others are simply not effective.  But the personal pain encountered when flesh starts to burn does it.

For some a prison sentence will do it.  For others it does not.

For Peter it was the post-denial pain followed by the gleam of forgiveness found in the eyes of the Savior during an early-morning sea-side breakfast.

            What will it take for you?

Stop looking around.  You’ve found the One.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Choose to Run

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.  Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.  I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.  Jeremiah 29:11-14

I have always been fascinated by people who have the discipline and ability to get out, day or night, hot or cold, rain or shine, and run.

Why do they do it?

Are they getting ready for a big race?  Probably not.

Are they preparing themselves so that IF they are ever accosted, they can sprint to safety without becoming too winded too quickly or without their legs tiring too fast?  That’s unlikely.

I’ve tried to develop this discipline.  Over the years I have spent untold hundreds of dollars on running shoes and clothes – like I needed some special “look” to run.

I joined track teams in both junior high and in college.  Both times I rationalized my decision to quit.  Justified it by telling myself that I was just not cut out to be a runner – I didn’t have the “stuff”.

Well, yesterday I did it again.  I stopped in and bought some new running shorts and short socks and I’m going to try it again.  Not because I’m afraid of or expecting an attack.  And not really because I want to lose the little paunch that I have developed over the years.  But because I want the discipline in my life.  I need the discipline in my life.

I have always been fascinated by people who have the drive to get out of bed an hour before they really have to, regardless of how late they were up the night before – although I expect that getting to bed at a reasonable hour is a part of the discipline, too – to pray and study and listen to God.

Why do they do it?

Do they think they are going to be engaged in some sort of intense spiritual battle that day?  They’d better, because that’s what happens – daily!  Satan is out there.  The Bible says he’s prowling around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.  I have been devoured  When the spiritual battle came – and it always comes – I was out of shape.  I tired too quickly.  My spiritual legs gave out.

I never was much of a threat to Satan.  I never developed the discipline of prayer and study.  Oh, sure, when the big test was approaching and I hadn’t studied as I should have, or when the money was all gone and the twins needed food, or when the office payroll came due and the work was not there, or when I found myself in jail with very few friends and the bad news was hitting me from every direction, in those times I would be very disciplined, very conscientious, about my devotional life.

But I’ve never learned the trick of preparing for battle in times of peace, of staying prepared for the battle even when the threat board was empty.

Today I choose to prepare.  I choose to be disciplined.  I choose to let God control my life one hour at a time.  I choose to run and I choose to pray.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 is my promise.  I want to search for Him and His will for me with all my heart.  I want to get in on his plans to prosper me – not as the world perceives prosperity, but I want to be rich toward God and in what He has in store for me.

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I wrote this while sitting at my brother’s house.  I wrote this thirteen days after my bail was posted and I regained some measure of freedom, tenuous though it was.  I wrote this the day before 9/11, never comtemplating the change the next day would effect in the psyche of our nation and the world.  I wrote this not realizing until later just how quickly everything that matters can change. 

Transformation

“If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
II Corinthians 5: 17

The greatest milestone of my life? The morning I met Jesus! Wondrous joy! Wondrous peace! 0 blessed ….

Transformation

What was life without my Saviour?
Words are feeble to express!
I was wretched, blind, and needy–
Wandering in a wilderness.
Helpless in the power of Satan,
Vexed by problems–worn with care;
Broken in both strength and spirit; 
Often gripped with bleak despair.

What is life since Jesus saved me?
Oh, if I could but express
How His love and grace abounding
Fill my soul with blessedness!
He has been a Light to guide me–
Hope and Strength when I am weak.
Praise His name, He satisfied me;
He abides, and life is sweet!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

July 4, 2001

Two days after our mother wrote that letter, my only sibling sat down at his keyboard and gave me a piece of his mind.      I can’t say that I blame him.  I had deceived him, along with everyone else, and he felt like a fool.  He shouldn’t have – I was a good, no, a great, deceiver – but that didn’t alter the fact that all this had gone on right in front of him and he felt he should have noticed something…..anything.      Be that as it may, the first letter I received from him, even given my recent confession to God and the resultant repentance, stirred my emotions in dramatic fashion.     And, more to the point, he was right on track with every word………………..

 

Dear Brother,      I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and with a sense of well-being.  I have so much to say to you that it’s hard to know where to start.  I guess the best thing is to start with the hard stuff an end on the up-side.      I imagine you have an idea of how shocked and disillusioned I feel. Someone could have tortured me to the point of near death, and I would have never said that my brother would have ever done anything like what you’ve done. I defended you on many occasions with regard to an affair with Ellie. I still try to understand without result why she, of all people, would appeal to you in this way.  I always thought you only put up with her because you were a good guy, trying to be a good friend to her, and also the fact that we needed her skills around the office. Anyway, I guess that’s neither here nor there in comparison to the main issue here.      All those times that we talked about your relationship (or lack there of) with your wife, I felt like you were confiding in me and that I was allowing you to release some of the penned up emotion and frustration. Since you were talking to me about it, however infrequently, and the fact that you were in counseling made me relax about your situation.  I see now that you weren’t really confiding in me at all.  All it was was a pitiful attempt to further cover your tracks. I’m not here at this point to sugar coat anything.  That makes me feel like a fool.  All these years I worked side by side with you, not to mention all the time at church and in our personal lives, this affair was going on and I was too blinded by my ideal of who you were to see what was happening right before my eyes.      Then, the attempted murder.  Of all the hair-brained things to do.  I know you have to be saying the same things to yourself over and over again (or at least I hope you are). You are smarter than that. A divorce would have been painful enough, but this is devastating. And the guy who you were conspiring with. Some day, if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship with me ever again, you are going to have to come clean about everything.  Everything!!!  Why he would lead you down this road and then set you up for a fall, I just can’t fathom.  How could you unload everything to that idiot, a petty thief and drug dealer and who knows what else, and not to me, your own and only brother that would have done just about anything for you? Your wife could be dead in a box right now leaving no one for your kids to fall back on.  That’s the bottom line.      Well, I could continue along these lines for pages but it would do no good and I’m sure you (are) sick of hearing it by now. On the other side of all the mistakes, I want you to understand fully where I stand.  You are my brother.  You’ve always been there for me.  Even when you had to show tough love.  I will always be here for you as well. No matter what. That means as long as I’m alive, I’ll have your back under any circumstance, including this circumstance.  I want to slap you and embrace you all at the same time, and I’m not sure in which order.  Also know, for whatever it’s worth, that (my wife) and I are going to make every effort to look after your wife and your kids. At this point there’s not a lot I can do for you right now outside of letting you know that I’m going to stand beside you through it, but I can take an active role in their lives.  They are the victims here and they didn’t deserve any of this.  This is not a matter of taking sides.  I’m on everyone’s side.  Sometimes I wonder how that is possible, but that’s just how it is.  I’m doing my best to not provide ammunition to either side.  I hope you can understand my position.      The thing that weighs most heavily on my heart is the condition of your soul. I always thought that if one of us got into heaven, it would be you.  You know I’ve struggled with things and am still struggling.  I don’t feel like I’m as close to God as I should be either, so it’s hard for me to talk about this with you.  I keep telling myself that there will be some good to come out of all this.  If I had my wish, I would hope that it would break you to the point of submission to God and His plan for your life.  Your life is not over.  He can use you and your talents still.  It’s up to you to use the situation that you find yourself in.  Your know what is right.  Do what is right starting today.      I guess for now I’ll let you off the hook.  I realize that the tone of this letter might not be what you need right now, but it is what I need.  I needed to tell you these things so that I can try to move on and start feeling something else.  I feel a bit overwhelmed right now with all that I have on me.  This has made me take a real close look at my life, my marriage and my relationship with God.      Be strong and take heart. You have more people praying for you and supporting you than you can imagine.  I’m enclosing everything that people have given me on your behalf.  Stop using all your phone calls on what’s her name and let me hear from you. See you soon, All my love and support, Your Brother

And he did and he has.  He has been there for me through this time like few others.  Most turned their back, got busy, or simply lost interest.  He did not.      Even today, we see each other regularly, laugh and clown around like we did when we were kids, and talk to and confide in each other as brothers should.      More importantly, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he still “has my back” and would do anything within his power to help me if I asked.      He’s a good brother and for him I am thankful.

Helpless

For not in my bow do I trust, nor can my sword save me.  But You have saved us from our foes, and have put to confusion those that hate us.  In God we have boasted continually, and we will give thanks to Your Name forever.  (Psalm 44:6-8

Rouse Yourself, why do You sleep, O Lord?  Awake, do not cast us off forever.  Why do You hide Your face?  Why do You forget our affliction and oppression?  For we sink down to the dust, our bodies cling to the ground.  Rise up, come to our help.  Redeem us for the sake of Your steadfast love.  (Psalm 44:23-26)

I have always been self-reliant, self-sufficient, a self-starter, self-this, self-that, self, self, self….

Do you see a pattern?

I knew about God, knew a lot about Jesus, claimed trust and faith in Him, paid my tithe, attended church, prayed over meals (probably more from a perceived need to set an example for my children than from any real desire to thank God), taught Sunday School Classes (in my own strength), led Church Boards (in my own wisdom).

God gave me talents, abilities and intelligence and I, in turn, took God off the throne of my heart and replaced Him with the very gifts He had given me.

But today I am in a place where my talent is unappreciated, my intelligence is of very little use and my abilities are unable to accomplish anything of much value.

Funny how quickly a self-based life can crumble and leave you on the bottom with no where to look but up.  No one to whom to look but God.

Today the words of the Psalmist have a new ring: “I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but You give us victory over our enemies, You put our adversaries to shame.  In God we make our boast all day long…”

I am helpless.  Unable to accomplish anything but to place my faith in God.  He is mighty.  He is able.  He is the Deliverer.  He is my rock.  He is my salvation.

So I pray with the shepherd boy, “Awake, O Lord!…Rise up and help us; redeem us because of Your unfailing love.”

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This was written during the early part of 2003 as I sat on a prison bunk awaiting the deliverance I thought would surely come just any moment.  But, while my situation has now improved dramatically, the overwhelming (and spiritually healthy) sense of helplessness still prompts me to daily cry out to God from Whom all blessings flow and Who is more than able to accomplish what concerns me (and you) today.

For more Ponderings, click here.

Daniel’s Prayer (adapted from Daniel 9:4b-19)

     This prayer hit home during my second year of incarceration. I, too, felt exiled and alone with my deep sense of guilt and regret. I was able to personalize this prayer and realized that, though God had to punish the sin, He still loved me and was more than able to accomplish good things through me in the years I had remaining on this earth.
     I pray today that you, too, are able to pray this prayer with the prophet and that God will speak peace to your soul.

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     O Lord, the Great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with all those who love Him and obey His commands, I have sinned and done wrong. I have been wicked and have rebelled; I have turned away from Your commands and laws. I have not listened to Your servants who spoke to me in Your Name.

     Lord, You are righteous, but this day I am covered with shame – you have exiled me because of my unfaithfulness to You. O Lord, I am covered with shame because I have sinned against You. The Lord my God is merciful and forgiving, even though I have rebelled against Him; I have not obeyed the Lord my God or kept the laws He gave me through His servants. I have transgressed Your law and turned away, refusing to obey You.

     Therefore the judgment of God has been poured out on me, because I have sinned against You. You have fulfilled the words spoken against me by bringing disaster upon me. All this disaster has come upon me and yet I refuse to seek the favor of the Lord my God by turning from my sin and giving attention to Your truth. The Lord did not hesitate to bring disaster upon me, for the Lord is righteous in everything He does; yet I have not obeyed Him.

     Now, O Lord my God, who brought Your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand and who made for Yourself a name that endures to this day, I have sinned, I have done wrong. O Lord, in keeping with all your righteous acts, turn away Your anger and Your wrath from me. My sins have made me an object of scorn.

     Now, my God, hear the prayers and petitions of Your servant. For Your sake, O Lord, look with favor on me. Give ear, O God, and hear; open Your eyes and see the desolation of my circumstances. I do not make requests of You because I am righteous, but because of Your great mercy. O Lord, listen! O Lord, Forgive! O Lord, hear and act! For Your sake, O my God, do not delay, because Your servant bears Your name!

Psalm 44:23 – Awake, O Lord! Why do You sleep? Rouse Yourself! Do not reject us forever.

1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 103:12 – ….as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Jeremiah 31:34b – For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

If we repent, truly repent, he is obligated, based on His Word, to forgive us.

If He forgives us, due to His nature, He is able to forget we ever did anything wrong. The sin is written in the Book, but the blood of Jesus flows over the entry and it cannot be read ever again. His precious blood makes us, and our page in the Book, as white as snow, ready for our fruit to be listed.

This makes us eligible to claim and rely upon His promises.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Will God Change His Mind? – Part VI

This completes this small series of articles.  These were written during the fall and winter of 2002 – a time when I really needed God to change His mind.

In hindsight, by which most things become abundantly clear, I am glad that He did not stay the punishment I deserved.  I would have been so much worse off if He had.

Of course, He knew that.

I pray that these have been helpful in some way.

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Have you ever felt as though you were in the belly of a great fish?  I have!

Have you ever stopped to imagine what Jonah experienced while there?  For three days?  I have!

But as intriguing as it might be to run down the road of sights and sounds, smells and fears, uncertainty and apprehension, the most important question to consider is, “Why was he there in the first place?”

The answer boils all the way down to his willful violation of a known command of God.

God said, “Go!”

Jonah said, “No!”

Sound familiar?  It does to me.

God said, “No!”

I said, “Whatever!”

So, while I’m not in the belly of a great fish – a fact for which I’m thankful – I might as well be.  The cell in which I spend most of my time is about the size of the stomach cavity of a whale and smells just as bad.  Uncertainty and apprehension try to fill my days and would succeed if I didn’t purposefully choose to keep my focus fixed on God’s promises, His presence and His great love and mercy.

But I digress – we have another question to answer.  The answer is the very reason for Jonah’s flight.  Jonah knew the answer to our question.  (See Jonah 4:2)  He knew God was a God of love and mercy.  And Jonah hated Nineveh.  Hated them for their ethnicity.  Hated them for their apostasy and sinfulness.  Hated the knowledge that, if they repented of their sins in response to his preaching, God would withhold His judgment.

So, when God told him to go preach, he ran the other way.  But he didn’t get very far.  God has a way of giving us just enough rope with which we inevitably hang ourselves.

In due time, with a lot more trouble than was really necessary, the Ninevites received the message and, much to Jonah’s regret, repented.

And God changed His mind.  (See Jonah 3:10)

Are there judgments coming into your life that you would like to avoid?

Check your obedience quotient.

Read Joel 2:12-14.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Will God Change His Mind? – Part V

Amos was just a working stiff – a sheep breeder by profession – from the little village of Tekoa.  In his day the town was about ten miles south of Jerusalem, but it has long since been swallowed by the great city.

He was an average guy, doing his work, caring and providing for his family, worshipping the only wise God.  Well, maybe he was special after all.  There were very few of his contemporaries worshipping the way they should.  At least not in the northern kingdom of Israel.

So one sunny day, while dealing with the stresses of his daily work, he was interrupted – interrupted by God Himself – and told to go north to Bethal and prophesy against the northern kingdom.

Can you imagine his reaction?

Will God Change His Mind – Part II

And the LORD changed his mind about the disaster that he planned to bring on his people.  Exodus 32:14

     They were having a great conversation.  So good, in fact, that they, or at least one of them, lost all track of time.  He would find out later from the people in camp, that he’d been away for forty days and nights.  Yet he would never remember the first pang of hunger or sensation of thirst.  All his needs had been met by his companion.

     As the conversation drew to a close, that companion, the Lord God Almighty, announced that He intended to destroy the people of Israel.  “They have become corrupt, they have fallen away from my commands.  They are hard-headed and they refuse to remain faithful to me.”

     The Bible says, “But Moses sought the favor of the Lord, his God.” 

Trust

It’s been said that there is a God-shaped void in the soul of every man that nothing will fill but God Himself.  But we humans are so self-reliant that we will search the world over to find a way to drive a square peg into that round hole in our souls.  Everything under the sun is tried.  We tend to place our trust in things that we can feel or experience.  Checkbooks, property, people and pleasures.

But in due time all those things will disappoint:
     Checkbooks dry up.
          Property deteriorates or is taken away.
               People fail and disappoint.
                    Pleasures are fleeting.
We find ourselves back where we started……searching.

Eventually we all come to the realization that only God can fill that hole in our hearts.  He made us and He created that space – nothing other than Him will satisfy.
The Psalmist knew it.  In the 62^nd Psalm, he cautions his readers not to trust in strength, possessions, wealth or people.  “Together they are only a breath.”

“People, trust in God all the time.  Tell Him all your problems, because He is our protector.” We must remember the words of our Savior, “In this world we will have trouble” but we must trust in the Lord.  “Do not lean upon your own understanding.”  Trust God!How?
     Forsake everything and everyone for Him alone.
          Cast all your anxiety on Him alone.
               Place your faith in Him alone.For in Him is life and breath and being.  Real life, the breath of the Spirit, and being all you can for God.Until He returns.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Grudges

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  Mark 11:25

I’m sitting on my bunk.  It’s 5:15 AM.  The usual time for my prayer and devotional minutes with God to start the day.  A few of the other 29 men in the guild are up and moving.  Several TVs flicker their pictures on the dark walls.

As usual, there are many matters I bring to Him.  So many hurting people.  People that I have hurt and disappointed.  So I bring these petitions before my Father.  I know He is strong enough to bear the burden of my problems.  He loves to hear from me and longs to trade yokes with me.

As always, I pray that this prison experience will end quickly and that I can be reunited with those that I love.

Eventually prayer time ends and I pick up my Bible.  Today’s reading takes me to Mark 11.  Verse 24 is always so encouraging.  Read it!  Doesn’t it give you goose bumps?  Such a wonderful promise from the lips of our Lord.

But this morning, it’s verse 25 that demands my attention.

                “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Smack!  It’s almost a physical blow.  There are grudges I’m holding onto.  Yeah, I have hurt people, but people have hurt me, too.  I have been justifying my ill-will towards some and simply flaunting my extreme irritation at the way some have turned their backs on me in my time of need.

And yet here was a scripture conditioning my forgiveness and the answers to my petitions upon the release of the very grudges I had nurtured and to which I felt so justified.

So I began to list them.  Names of people.  I was shocked at the length of the list.

But I got it all out and it felt good.

Now what?  Do I expect the guards to come and pack me up and send me home because I had a spiritual breakthrough?

To be honest?  Yeah, sort of.

But realistically, this is simply more of His refining process.  Release will come.  Right now my job is to become more like Him every day.

So learn from my experience.  Let go of your grudges.  They’re just dead weight anyway.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Throw Away A Bottle

     I threw away a 20-ounce bottle today.  What’s the big deal, you ask? 
     If you think about it, you’ve probably done the same thing.  Not necessarily with a plastic bottle, but then I’m not really talking about the bottle.  I’m talking about the value we place on things in preference to the truly valuable things in our lives.
     But I’m ahead of myself.  I guess I need to tell you why the 20-ounce bottle got my attention on this 12^th day of December.
     Plastic bottles are a valuable and much sought-after item inside the walls of a prison.  There is no other way to have a cold drink of tea after lock-down than to find a bottle, clean it out real good, and use it as a repository that can sit in your little cooler waiting for your thirst to build.  Without the bottle, the tea is hot and more ice is required – another scarce commodity.
     Others, of course, use the bottles for purposes outside the realm of the legitimate – the theft of milk from the chow hall or the storing of home-made whiskey – so the staff, the only ones with access to the plastic bottles, are supposed to ruin the bottles before throwing them away to prevent the inmates from gaining access to them.  Not all the staff is as conscientious as they are supposed to be and so, while scarce, the bottles are available.
     All that to say that as I dropped that bottle into the trash today – something I would have never even considered eight weeks ago – it struck me how odd it was that we attach such value to things.
     Inside it was bottles, clothes, or that pair of shoes that is unlike those of the other inmates – status symbols all.
     Out here the bottles and clothes and shoes are shoved to the side in preference to cars and houses and bank accounts and a million other insignificant things that we choose to place value upon to the exclusion and detriment of our friends, our families, and our God.
     It occurred to me today that we all might need to reevaluate things a little and maybe throw away a bottle or two. 

Hold On

“We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first!” Hebrews 3:14

     I’ve been trying to lift some weights, using my time wisely, and all that.  I figure if I sit in this prison for however many months and years without doing everything I can to better myself, then this time has been a waste.
     So I’m trying to build a little muscle.  Spending several hours a week pushing filthy pieces of iron around – pushing my body to its limit.  Beyond its limit at times.
     And, of course, there are plenty of recommendations, suggestions, advice, and, yes, criticism, available and stuffed down your throat regarding this weightlifting deal.  Everyone has an opinion and “the” program to build muscle faster, easier and quicker.
     Well, there’s nothing fast, easy or quick about this process.  It requires dedication, discipline and commitment.  I’ve been at it for three months and I would have to say that I’m not overly impressed with my progress.  But I’m not going to stop.  I have too much time and effort invested to quit now.
     One of my aspirations through this process is to be able to complete a set of 25 pull-ups.  Completely rested and fresh I may be able to manage 4 or 5, so I have a way to go.  A magazine article I read recently provided “quick and easy” steps to accomplish this goal.  The first step was to test yourself and make sure that you could grab an overhead bar and hang there for 60 seconds.
     No sweat, you think, anybody should be able to do that.  My response to that?  Try it!  The first time I did, I managed to hold on for 35 seconds.  Much more difficult than it sounds or even looks as I watched others do it.
     All of this was on my mind as I read my devotions this morning.  “We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first!” Hebrews 3:14
     I remembered my attempt to hold onto that bar.  During the first 10 seconds or so I felt strong and thought, “No sweat!”  But as the half minute mark approached and my hands began to ache and my forearms burned with the infusion of lactic acid, I quickly changed my tune.
     The longer I held on the harder it was to continue, until I finally was forced – by my own body – to relinquish my grasp.  How much like our walk of faith this is.  We begin to walk with our Lord and Savior and we think, “No sweat!”  But the longer a particular trial lasts – trials like prison terms or unemployment – the more we long for relief and release.  Do we have the ability to hang on?
     Not on our own.  Not in our own strength.  But the comforting realization is that we don’t have to be able to hold on to the problem.  We don’t even have to maintain our grip on Jesus.  The nail-scarred hands are holding us.
     Our job?  Trust Him and relax in His grasp.  By struggling and writhing around, we can wrench ourselves away from him.  Which reminds me of another of my favorite scriptures: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
     Relax and believe in God.  He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Uneasy

Uneasy.  That’s about the best description for my state of mind during these early days of freedom.  Something longed for for so long almost becomes a thing to dread and shake off.  Life is moving too fast and my dulled senses, my mental processes atrophied by idleness and boredom, are simply not prepared for the pace of life outside the walls of the prison.

It’s the 25th of October and I have been out for less than forty-eight hours.

So maybe it is not shocking that while sitting in the bank today I was overwhelmed by a sense of guilt, a feeling that I was somewhere I was not supposed to be.  I scanned the lobby for anyone who seemed to be paying too much attention to me.  The security guard eyed me suspiciously but I’m sure that that was only my overactive imagination and programming kicking in.  That is what happens to those who are incarcerated.  There is a constant, and not so subtle, process of brainwashing.  Behavior modification is needed in many instances but the process – and I believe the goal – is more far-reaching than that.  The prison system is a growth industry and a giant cash cow for the State.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Those released are expected to fail and return and, to that end, those about to be released are given no assistance or counseling to help prepare them for life in society.

I was only inside for sixty-four months, and a large portion of that time I was privileged to be able to work in a “free-world” setting, so my social skills did not wane as much as those of the average inmate, but I still face these feelings of inferiority and pre-programmed guilt.  It is pervasive and affects every aspect of daily life.

I am unique in another way in that I have a wonderful support system of family and friends who have never turned their backs on me and are continuing to help me re-enter society.  Most newly released inmates are not so fortunate and find themselves with the same mental issues with which I am dealing coupled with the overarching needs of shelter and food and transportation with no support system to help and guide.  So they reoffend and the revolving door turns again and the State retrieves another indentured person for their network.

I’ll get past this.  Others do not.  I don’t have the answers to fix the system.  But I can identify a problem when I see one and the elephant is definitely in the room though no one seems to want to acknowledge that scary fact.

Uneasy.  Recovery is a process and everything I do furthers that recovery.  I’m grateful for the opportunity.  It’s certainly more than I deserve.