Praise

“And the ransomed of the Lord shall come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads; they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” Isaiah 35:10

 We went to comfort, but came away comforted; such was the vigor of her faith– such was the beauty of her …

 Praise

 Her life was just one constant hymn of praise,
Though pain and suffering marked so many days.
                (I’ve never seen Christ’s spirit brighter shine! )
                Weakness chained her body, and confined
It to the limits of her little room;
But naught that life could do could e’er entomb
                Her fervent prayers, or quench her heartfelt praise.
 
God loved her! He sent Christ to take her hand
And give her Royal Escort to the promised land!
                But just before she left, He let her see
                And praise the matchless glories of eternity!
God grant to us in life’s remaining days
A double portion of her victory and praise,
                That when our “call” shall come, the parting hour
                Shall be, like hers, triumphant by Thy power!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

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…and their eyes were opened…..

They walked the dusty road that day and everything was different.  The familiar route was strange.  The entire scene faded to gray.  And they were sure that their lives – or what was left of their lives – would be somehow less.

The appearance of the tag-along stranger failed to arouse any interest.  The conversation, bothersome and annoying initially, ramped up as they relived the past few days while educating this new companion.

And suddenly everything changed again.  Suddenly their eyes were opened…..

And the fact that eyes had to be opened speaks volumes.  A need for opening indicates a closure.  These men – these believers – had had their eyes (and hearts) closed:

Closed by history;
Closed by experience;
Closed by despair;
Closed by hopelessness;
Closed by unrealized dreams;
Closed by disappointments.

But then their eyes were opened and they saw the Lord, standing in their midst, risen, vital and divine.  And the closed opened and that ordinary little road down to the insignificant little town of Emmaus became the center of the universe as the Creator conversed with the created.

But how does that affect us today?  How does the fact that their eyes were opened help us?  How can we have our closed lives opened?

God’s Instrument

Penned by A Prodigal on January 18, 2007, from a prison cell.

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And now do not be distressed, or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life.  Genesis 45:5

God’s instrument.  Joy in a far away land.  Joseph was able to see the fulfillment of God’s plan and the reason for all his trouble.  He was blessed in this way.

Not all of us will be able to see and determine why we face the trials and tests that enter our lives.  But we can know, as with Joseph, that God has a plan and a purpose and will use each and every one to fulfill that plan.

There is nothing God can’t do with a surrendered life.

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For more Ponderings, click here

Prison to Palace

Written by A Prodigal from a prison cell – January 17. 2007.

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So Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God has shown you all this, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be over my house, and all my people shall order themselves as you command; only with regard to the throne will I be greater than you.”Genesis 41:39-40

From the prison to the palace.  God’s faithfulness and perfect timing works in a life committed to Him!

“Two years later….”  I’ve done twenty-four months in prison (more than that actually) but I deserved to be there.  Joseph didn’t!  I can’t imagine his fight to stay faithful to and focused on God in the face of such injustice and through such a lengthy internment.

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Praying for You

“As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort you.”  Isaiah 66:13

What a priceless gift is heart-sympathy–the love of Christ manifested! It seemed to clothe her with indefinable beauty as she whispered, We’re….

Praying For You

 

This morning as I sat in church

                I was almost unaware

Of the services in progress–

                So worn was I with care.

When a precious saint beside me,

                With spirit kind and true,

Clasped my hand, and whispered,

                “We’re praying, dear, for you.”

 

Her words a balm of healing,

                Banished my despair,

And they warmed my heart within me

                As the sunlight warms the air.

I thought of the Father’s promise

                In His sacred Word so true,

“As one whom his mother comforteth,

                So will I comfort you.”

 

How often on life’s weary road

                Have I failed to take the hand

Of that struggling soul beside me,

                Showing that I understand?

May Christ’s love so melt my nature,

                All His sympathy endue,

‘Til I’ll clasp that hand and whisper,
                 I’m praying, friend, for you! “

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Also, please subscribe below for weekly updates on this site.

Kindness

Written by A Prodigal January 16, 2007, from the prison cell.

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“But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him kindness….”
Genesis 39:21a

Even in the darkest days, I’ve always been able to trace God’s hand in the situation, showing His kindness to me.  Joseph was a man of integrity doing what was right even when it was unpopular or met with disapproval from those around him.

And though his integrity landed him in prison, we know that this was all part of the Divine design – a stepping stone to the palace; a proving ground for young Joseph to be taught the lessons he would need later.

May I always be such a man of integrity.  Though my past is marred, my future can be marked by God’s presence and kindness.

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For more Ponderings, click here

The Way Out

We all desire a way out – of our situations, of our heartaches, of the pain of life.  We search for ways to dull the pain, rectify the situations and mask the heartaches.  It’s only natural that we should do this.  Discomfort always brings on a desire for change.  It’s where the change is sought that is crucial.

I read this recently in an old Preachers’ Magazine of my dad’s.  It seemed appropriate and on point so I share it here:

“Philosophy says, ‘Think your way out.’ 

Pleasure says, ‘Drink your way out.’ 

Politics says, ‘Legislate your way out.’ 

Science says, ‘ Invent your way out.’ 

Militarism says, ‘Fight your way out.’ 

The Bible says, ‘Pray your way out,’ for Jesus says, ‘I AM the Way out.’”

Thank God He made a way of escape for us.  Praise His Dear Name.

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For more Ponderings, click here

With Us

Written by A Prodigal, January 13, 2007.

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I will be with you. -Genesis 31:3b

Sweeter words were never spoken.  To know that God will be with us through our days and trials and journeys – as He was with Jacob – is the ultimate assurance.

He went to bed as Jacob and awoke as Israel.  He retired with two healthy hips and arose with a limp.  As Paul’s thorn, Jacob’s hip served as a reminder – not only to him but to the nation down through history – that God is God and is in control of our lives.  Every time Jacob stood, for the rest of his life, he was reminded of that night – the night he met with God.  We all have those reminders, those “bad joints”, those thorns which serve to take us back to our encounter with the Creator of the Universe.

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Micah’s Message

Written by A Prodigal on September 2, 2006.

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It’s a Saturday morning, well into year number five of this exile.  I’m not on the top of the world this morning – not by a long shot.  Despite my most well-intentioned efforts to remain positive –numerous writers have opined that it’s a choice – I am anything but positive this morning.

I feel abandoned by those I need the most.  Taken for granted by those I try to help.  Unloved by the very ones I love more than life itself.

Maybe it’s that I just have too much time on my hands – too much time to think.  Too much time for the enemy of my soul to plant pessimistic, defeated, the “glass-is-half-empty” , “things-will-never-get-any-better” thoughts.  It’s the same with any prison, I reckon, whether physical, emotional, relational, or psychological.  Too much time to spend dwelling on the negative side of things.

And once you embark on that road, anxiety begets anxiety and you can so easily find yourself completely devoid of all hope.

The people of Judah living under the reign of good King Hezekiah were no doubt feeling the same way.  From without, under siege by the Assyrian army which had already routed and relocated the nation of Israel.  From within, exploited and oppressed by the wealthy, the rulers and the false prophets.  The light of hope was flickering – like mine is this morning.

September 11, 2002 – II

On that fateful day for America – September 11, 2001 – I was fresh out of jail and sitting at my brother’s house, thanks to some friends who bailed me out.

As my Dad wrote this letter a year later, I was back in the bowels of the county jail beginning my prison term.

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9-11!!!!

Dear Son,

I hope you are OK!  Haven’t heard from  you yet, but maybe they moved you – maybe I’ll hear something today….

This is a day of remembrance for the arrack on America.  Big ceremonies at New York and Washington.  So man killed and now we are on the brink of another war with Iraq.

I have written “Thank You” cards to your brother and sister-in-law and your aunt for their help and generosity while I was down there.  Also, a birthday card to my brother.  He’ll be 72 this Sunday.  His wife is in France with her children which has left my brother alone.  He doesn’t do well alone.  I worry about his wife flying with the nation on “high alert” for terrorist attacks.

I’m anxious to hear from you, Son.  Whenever it’s possible.  I weep day and night over you and your Mother….and your boys.

Gotta run get these cards in the mail.  I love you, Son.  No matter what!!!

Dad

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A father’s love is an amazing thing!!!!!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

When Answers Don’t Come Quickly

Written by A Prodigal on September 1, 2006.

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“…always pray and never give up!” – Luke 18:1b

Is there any doubt that God desires and rewards our faith?

Are you ever prone to question why some situations arise and then just hang on – like a parasite threatening to suck the life and faith and joy out of you?  Does it ever seen like the heavens are brass bouncing your prayers right back at you?  Are you ever tempted to call it quits, throw in the towel and surrender?

Well, take a lesson from Hannah.  She knew all about it.  She had the dream of every woman of her day – to give birth to a son.  A simple, normal, natural, God-given desire.  The yardstick by which self-worth was measured.  But she couldn’t conceive.  She remained childless – in spite of her husband’s love and attention – in a society where the barren were shunned – a disgrace.

And, as if that weren’t bad enough, her “rival”, her husband’s other wife, gave her a hard time over it.  Ridicule and insults were Hannah’s lot.  Sound familiar?  Know the feeling?

Well, look at how she handled it.  You think she was ever hurt?  Of course.  Who wouldn’t be?  Angry?  Surely!  Verse 7 sees her provoked to tears.  Discouraged?  Probably!  Verse 8 finds her husband asking why she is so downhearted.

But lose her faith?  Not a chance!  She remained true.  She continued to pray.  She continued to believe.  She never gave up.  She trusted God.

Miracles

“The natural man received not the things of the spirit…”
I Corinthians 2:14

No miracles? Not to the blind of heart who still attempt to explain away the manger, and scoff at the empty tomb. Not for the self-righteous and the self-sufficient. Only the pure in heart see God; only the righteous behold His ….

Miracles

Many say the time of miracles is past–
That God is somehow limited in power today;
The Hand that guides the course of myriad worlds
No longer heals the sick, or stoops to save!
They think God’s love has changed with fleeting years;
So they languish hopeless in their sin and fears.

But Oh, they are in error to be sure.
God changes not! His power is just the same!
The blood of Christ still heals the sin-sick soul.
Transforms the life, and breaks each fettering chain.
These miracles are real to all who seek
Redemption in the fount of Calvary.

God is the same! He heals, and saves, and keeps–
I know, for He has done as much for me!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Also, please subscribe below for weekly updates on this site.

Distracted

Written by A Prodigal on August 31, 2006.

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Early this morning while in the midst of my quiet time with the Lord, an interrupting thought intruded.  About a coat, of all things – a coat recently lost to me.

It was a great coat.  Black and waist length.  Zip-out lining that doubled as a windbreaker.  Pockets everywhere and Velcro take-ups at the cuffs.  I loved that coat.  And it was taken away from me!

I can’t explain why that thought entered my mind as I was reading the end of Isaiah, but it did.  A beautiful coat lost forever.  But the coat is only the tip of the iceberg; for once the Enemy starts me down that particular road, other things cascade in my mind.  A motorcycle with the paint job I designed.  A brand new riding lawn mower – hardly used.  The beautiful acreage.

And not only material things, but my family, my church, my career.  Gone – all gone.  Taken from me for a stupid mistake.

But, in His faithfulness, as I’m careening down that wide highway of regret heading toward the only destination – depression – God provides a place to turn around.  As I open my daily devotional book to check out the thought for the day, the Scripture sears my mind: “Forgetting those things which are behind…”  And I realize how senseless it is for me to lament over those things.  They’re gone.  Worrying won’t restore them to me.  Fretting won’t bring them back.  Being depressed only ruins today – it does nothing to alter the past.

If I believe that my sins are forgiven and are lying somewhere at the bottom of His sea of forgetfulness – and I do…. 
If I believe He makes all things new – and I do…… 
If I believe that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it – and I do….. 
Then all I must do is “reach forth unto those things which are ahead” and keep the ultimate prize in sight.

He can restore the lost things if He chooses but, regardless, I choose to press toward the mark.

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For more Ponderings, click here

Back to Prison – Part I

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  (II Corinthians 4:8-9)

 

Dejected?  Surely!

 

Confused?  Probably!

 

But doubting? Never!

 

Joseph maintained his faith and started over again. Those were days and weeks and months of idleness, made all the worse coming from his place of responsibility. His nights were consumed with wondering what was going to happen and why he had been removed from usefulness and productivity.  Surely he remembered the meals in Potiphar’s house (meals he had planned) as he ate the prison gruel.  Certainly, lying on the straw mat, he thought of the soft bed he so recently had had.  He probably asked God more than once why he was being punished when he had done nothing wrong.  And Potiphar’s wife?  How long before forgiveness replaced the resentment?

 

But he waited on and trusted in his God.  And God did not disappoint—God made him a success.  A successful inmate; now there is an apparent oxymoron.  But God caused the jailer to take notice of Joseph, and, before you know it, Joseph was running the jail!

Everything New

Written by A Prodigal on August 1, 2006.

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He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” – Revelation 21:5a

As I sit at my desk in the early morning, enjoying my quiet time while it is indeed quiet, my Bible-reading took me past this verse.  Something stopped me there.

I looked up from this promise and into the faces of some of those precious people I love – and, I am saddened to say, hurt – the most.  Their pictures are taped to the wall over my little desk.

My three wonderful boys.  I’ve missed a third of their lives and have caused deep wounds in their souls and psyches that only God can heal.  “I’m making everything new.”

My Dad.  In so many ways I have followed in his footsteps – not all of those steps should have been traced – and have shared the pain he experienced.  The pain of loss and separation and isolation.  And I have disappointed and hurt him.  “I’m making everything new.”

My dear Mother.  Ravaged by Alzheimer’s, that horrible disease, leaving only a walking shell of the amazing woman who raised me and kept our home together for so many years.  “I’m making everything new.”

My dear Mother. I claim this promise this morning.  As the sun breaks the shell of the night and announces the beginning of a new day, my Lord is making everything new!

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For more Ponderings, click here

September 10, 2002

September 10, 2002

Dearest One,

I have prayed for you today and have asked the Lord for His wisdom and His words to be transmitted via this letter.  One feels so helpless in any human effort to offer a ray of hope and encouragement when a loved one is going through the “dark night of the soul”.  My prayer is that you will be able to view whatever you must face with words or Joseph ringing in your ears: “Satan meant this for evil, but God means it for my good.”

Our painful experiences can reveal God to us in new ways.  God’s love doesn’t guarantee us a shelter from difficult experiences that are necessary for our spiritual growth.  Love permits pain.  We don’t want it that way, but love and delay are compatible.  When we fail somewhere along the way to trust in God, we often get ourselves in places of difficulty and impossibility.  When a thing is impossible, then we who are so prone to move things by the force of our being can say, “Lord it has to be You.  I am utterly helpless and absolutely nothing.”  At that point of complete surrender, releasing all that we are, ever have been, and ever hope to be, we can trust His love.  We can come through difficult experiences stronger in faith and hope as we learn that God is there for us in our loss and our deepest sorrow.  What we allow Christ to do in our situation makes the difference.  When we have the right priorities, God will enable us to do what needs to be done.  Ask yourself, what am I struggling with?  Whatever it may be, give it to Jesus.  Trust in His timing and His previsions.  This may require giving up dreams and aspirations, being crucified with Christ, and learning the fellowship of His suffering, but Jesus must be Lord of all or He can’t be Lord at all.  If there is even one thing we are holding as more precious than He, anything which is outside the approval of His character and His Word, then we are still that far from His being able to bless our lives with His abundance and power over evil.  He will never over-ride our will, but our will sometimes over-rides His ability to bless us.

Surrounded

Read 2 Chronicles 13

Any military strategist would have to agree – this battle could not be won.

The army of Judah, impressive in its own right, was overwhelmingly out-manned and out-maneuvered.  You would think four hundred thousand soldiers would be sufficient to win the day.  Any commander would feel confident – even self-sufficient – engaging the enemy with almost half a million men.

Well, you would until you arrived at the battlefield to find the opponent had two for every one of yours.  Eight hundred thousand men.  And not just in front of you, but behind you, sitting in ambush, as well.  What a sight that must have been.  How demoralizing.  Your vast army dwarfed.  Your sure victory snatched away.  What’s the use – let’s give up and go home.

That’s what we’re tempted to do, isn’t it?  The enemy shows up with its overwhelming resources and surrounds us.  They arrive with their promises and enticements and we suddenly feel weak and insignificant.  We believe it would be better to give a little ground than to be annihilated.

So we compromise.  We do give a little ground.  We drop back and try to regroup, not appreciating the slipperiness of that particular slope.  Not realizing that that was our opponent’s battle plan all along.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

“But Laban said to him, “If you will allow me to say so, I have learned by divination that the LORD has blessed me because of you;”  Genesis 30:27

What goes around, comes around.  A trite little saying that is generally thrown out upon the realization that someone has gotten the best of us.  Whether in a business deal or a realtionship, in our opinion, those who do wrong by us deserve a revisitation of that wrong.  We may very well be either powerless to affect the situation or we simply choose not to resort to retaliation.  But our sense of fair play almost requires that the “comes around” follow the “going”.

And, trite though it may seem, this idea is Scriptural.  The reaping always….always….follows the sowing.  In some form or another, we harvest – sometimes unwillingly or unwittingly – the fruit of our actions.  Examples of this are seen throughout the Bible.

David sowed adultry and reaped heartache.  Solomon planted excess and reaped near insanity and loss of a kingdom.  Joseph’s brothers sowed murder and deception and reaped half a lifetime of guilt and remorse.  Jacob sowed trickery and deception only to reap in kind.

September 4, 2002

This is the first of this sort of give and take.  I received another wonderful letter from my dad the very day after receiving the prior.  My response, included here, was to both of the letters.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to make a copy of this letter before I sent it from the jail.  I found this letter among my dad’s effects after his death last May.  What a shock to actually stumble across this box filled with my letters.

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September 4, 2002

Dear Son,

I hope all is well today… Oh, mercy!  I can’t bear thinking of you locked up like an animal in a cage….

I was thinking of St. Paul writing his many letters from prison that the world is reading today, including Romans 8:28.  I was thinking of the “all things” in that promise.

I think of those wonderful biscuits that your Mamaw used to make for the family.  Her children and Papaw would beg her to make them (along with tomato gravy).

I used to watch her making them.  I have thought how terrible it would have been to try to eat each ingredient by itself.  But she added all the parts and “worked them together”, then heated them at just the right temperature for just the right amount of time.  The result was amazing!!  Everyone scrambled for them (even the eggs…HA!) when she called, “Biscuits are ready – get them while they’re hot!”  I can just hear her!

The Master Weaver

The Master Weaver is at work in the world. He is actively weaving the tapestry of eternity. What looks disjointed and awkward from our side of the veil, will make perfect sense when we see it from the other side. We will see that indeed all things work together for good.  We will trace the connections made in situations that baffle and amaze  us here.

We will see a level of grace given to the cancer patient so it becomes a ministry opportunity rather than a death sentence.

We will see that a job loss requiring the launch of a new & never-before-comtemplated career had the effect of moving a life across the highways of a nation and planting a testimony within the hearts of others.

We will see a military activation that has the potential to generate a spirit of fear but deepens the faith of a family instead.

We will see that it was our loving Heavenly Father taking the unexpected from the human point of view & turning them into those “all things” happenings of a life committed to Him into the good & beautiful.

I don’t know about you but I’m anxious to see His Tapestry.

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Scoundrels Accepted

Penned January 11, 2007

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Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  Genesis 28:15

Conspiracy, fraud, deceit, manipulation.  Not the recipe you would expect for the custodian of God’s promise.

But God has His purpose and His plan in everything.  And here, to preserve Jacob’s life, Rebekah manipulated Isaac into sending Jacob to her family home to find a wife.  This far off country was where Jacob would become Israel and a great nation would come from his loins.

I don’t understand how and why God can use the scoundrels of the world to achieve His ends but this is certainly a common theme.

Thank God, because I’m one of those scoundrels.

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Dad – Part II

Years later, as a senior in high school, I was caught breaking the rules—at this point I don’t remember what I’d done—and was, as customary, sent to my room to await punishment.  On that day, however, my father turned the tables on me.  He lay across the bed and made me spank him.  I never forgot that and, for quite a few years after that, strictly adhered to the rules of the house.

 

More years passed.  Pastorates came and went.  The evangelistic field was entered and left.  My college days morphed into law school days.  Then the bomb detonated.  My father’s life of deception was exposed in an instant and nothing was ever the same again.

 

While in the midst of a revival in Kirkwood, Missouri, my father—not for the first time, I discovered later—stepped to the pulpit to preach completely intoxicated.  Feigning an illness, he excused himself and returned to his hotel room.  Unlike the other instances, however, several of those in attendance that night were physicians at and employees of a alcoholic treatment center located there.  They recognized the problem, confronted my father with their diagnosis, and graciously offered to provide treatment if he would only consent.

If They Could Speak

“Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” I Corinthians 2:9

Surely we would sense afresh the wisdom of God, and see His rainbow through our tears …

    

If They Could Speak

If those dear ones we loved and lost

Could penetrate the veil,

And speak a word of comfort

To us they loved so well;

They would bid us dry our tears,

And eagerly await

Our turn to cross that river

That leads to Heaven’s gate.

They would tell us that the dreaded death

Is but an open door

That carries us from pain and toil

To rest forevermore…

They would tell us that, could they return

Upon an angel’s wing–

They would not, for ’tis rapture there

In the Presence of the King!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Also, please subscribe below for weekly updates on this site.

Dad – Part I

SON.  BROTHER.  STUDENT.  MARINE.  PREACHER. 

 

HUSBAND.  FATHER.  DISCIPLINARIAN.  PASTOR. 

 

EVANGELIST.  ALCOHOLIC.  EX-HUSDAND.

 

 

My Father has been called many things in his life, but it wasn’t until five years ago—after years of estrangement and pain—that he really became my Dad.

 

I really do not know where to start his story—in its entirety, it would fill reams.  But some background is necessary to give you a feel for how dramatically his life has impacted mine in both negative and positive ways.

 

I always idolized my father.  He was a man’s man.  Big and strong—not the strength built up in a gym, but a natural strength.  He was born with it.  It was genetic.  I always admired that about him and wished that I had taken after him in that regard.  I, instead, inherited my body type from my mother—slender with very little natural muscle mass.  I inherited something far darker from my father—a finely honed ability to deceive.

September 3, 2002

I had only been at the jail for a week.  On August 30th, I appeared in court and began my sentence.  This was the first letter I received.  My father wrote the first of what would turn out to be a long string of letters.  And this one, just like all the ones that were to follow encouraged and calmed.  He, more than any other person in my life at that time, knew what it was like to be away from those he loved and confined to a facility.

To know that he knew, understood and cared was therapeutic.

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September 3, 2002

My Dearest Son-

     Your brother gave me the details of your lock-up. Glad you at least have a private cell. This is an answer to prayer.

I have put off writing for a day or so – just don’t know what to say – and that’s unusual for me. Ha!

If

 

“No manner of hurt was found upon him, because he believed in His God.” Daniel 6:23

 

 God “tries” us to prove us – - that we might prove Him. Only thus can we understand that inexplicable….

 

  

If

If you never were faced with the wild sea’s embrace,

And the enemy’s shout in your ears,

Would you ever “stand still” to behold with a thrill

 God’s pathway that saves from your fears?

 

  

If you never were out in the dark den of doubt,

With the lions tossing their manes,

How then could you guess God’s angel could bless

 By using miraculous chains?

    

If you never were caught in that furnace white-hot

Of suffering beyond strength to bear,

Could you quite understand how real is the Hand

And the Presence that comforts you there?

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Also, please subscribe below for weekly updates on this site.

Amanda Clarke

I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you.  I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds. (II Corinthians 7:4)

 

I want you to know how much I am struggling for you…. My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and unified in love…  (Colossians 2:1a; 2a)

 

Earlier I introduced you to Aunt Ruth and attempted to describe the impact she has had on my life.  Amanda is my mother’s other sibling. 

 

Aunt Amanda and I have been close since my childhood.  Usually living within the same State, and her only child just two months younger than I, resulted in frequent and lengthy visits during my early years.

 

However, that is not what prompts me to include her in this story.  Her inclusion here results from a piece of common ground we share.  For a large block of each of our lives we lived out a form of religion without possessing the substance of it.

 

Each of our fathers were Nazarene ministers.  Each of us suffered disillusionment and disappointment when we realized our “perfect” earthly fathers—idolized and, in some ways, worshipped by us—were not perfect but, in fact, had feet of clay.  Each of them failed, falling victim to the attack of Satan, and left a wide swath of pain and confusion in their wake.

July 30, 2002

My precious mother passed away December 22, 2008.  The awful disease with which she suffered for so long finally claimed her life.  In many ways those of us that knew her best and loved her most mourned for her long before she finally breathed her last breathe and, while we gathered with heavy hearts to pay our last respects, our sadness was more for our loss than for her passing.  You see, we all know exactly where Mom is and we have faith that we will see her again.  The only requirement is that we “stay on track.”

This letter was written to her son in jail.  Her heart was broken even as Alheimers’ stole her physical ability and mental capacity.  But though obviously affected by this disease, the message rings true and the love shows through.

I love my Mother.  And the present tense is used there on purpose, for she lives on with our mutual Savior.

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July 30, 2002

Dearest Son,

My thoughts and prayers are constantly with you.  I pray while I play the piano, I pray for you as I do my daily chores, I pray you will get your life back someday and I believe you will.  The way I look at this whole matter is that God had to bring to you your knees before He could pick you up and put you back in track.  God doesn’t waste anything.

Jack Massey – Part Two

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!  No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  (I Corinthians 10:12-13)

 

I met John Massey in 1973, strangely, if you will remember, at about the same time as my addiction began.  Jack, Sr. was the Minister of Music serving with my father at a church in Jackson, Mississippi, and we were introduced and thrown together because of the closeness of our families—we were friends from the start.

 

Being close in age and similar backgrounds and, consequently, interests, we were inseparable.  Weekends were spent skiing around the Ross Bennett reservoir or dirt biking around the yard; fireworks in season; teen choir trips to Six Flags.  Life was good.

 

Contact was lost for several years when our family moved to Roanoke, Virginia, but we quickly caught up when our families were reunited in Pascagoula, Mississippi, in the summer of 1978.

 

I started college that fall, and Jack was finishing high school, but the summers—two of them—found us together again; working at the shipyard during the days, dating girls from Biloxi and just hanging out on the weekends.

 

Again, as my father re-entered the evangelistic field in the fall of 1980 and moved to Memphis, we lost track of each other, each involved in his own day to day life.  And so it was until December, 2003, when my father informed me that he believed Jack and his family still lived in Nashville.

Confidence

June 30, 2004 – my 44th birthday – came and went with me in a Tennessee prison.  There were no parties, no gifts, a few cards and possibly a few thoughts.  But to call it anything but dreary and depressing would be a lie.

And yet, despite the circumstances and the surroundings, there were things for which to be thankful.

In my quiet time on that day, I penned these words……………..

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If God is for us, who can be against us?” – Romans 8:31

Forty-four years ago today I was born to Bill and Gwen in Nashville, Tennessee.  They tell me it was a joyous day, though I don’t remember it.

They took me home from the hospital to the little house on Gwen Drive and began the process of raising me.  They taught me and they helped me.  They encouraged me and provided for my needs – in fact, they are still providing for my needs even today.

They loved me enough to discipline me when I deserved it and, at the proper time, allowed me to spread my wings and leave.

But today, forty-four years later, I am still the son of Bill and Gwen.

And there is nothing I can do about it!

They love me, and there’s nothing I can do about it!

They are in my corner – on my side – and, again, there’s nothing I can do about it!

Three years ago today

10,000 Page Views

This note is for those of you who have continued to view these pages and read these thoughts.  I never believed – less than a year ago – that this thing would be where it is today.

To those who have commented, thank you for your encouragement and insights.

To those who have subscribed to my feed, thank you for choosing not to merely read in anonymity, but to make yourselves known to me.  I appreciate the open support.

To those who have continued to read about this journey of mine, I hope you have been inspired and encouraged as you trace God’s hand has He has moved in and through this one life.

May God bless you all.

Jack Massey – Part One

Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith; be men of courage.  Be strong.  Do everything in love.  (I Corinthians 16:13-14)

 

After the denial of parole in the fall of 2003, Frank used his influence to get me transferred to a minimum security facility in Nashville.  I had another two years until my next possibility for parole and I could not bear the thought of serving that time in the hyper-structured routine of West High. 

 

So, on November 7, 2003, I followed Billy, who had been gone for weeks, and rode the prison bus to Nashville to begin the next phase.

 

The benefits of the new facility were numerous and immediately observable.  The openness and freedom of movement were wonderful.  Virtually unlimited access to the weight room and exercise areas was unbelievable.  Meals were better.  The whole atmosphere seemed more relaxed.  The thought of leaving the compound during the day to work like Billy did, and maybe to make it into one of the thirty work release spots available in the whole State, outweighed the minor negative aspects of open bay living and the complete lack of privacy in the rest rooms and showers.

 

Through the fall, winter and early spring, Billy and I would work our jobs during the day and spend the evenings and weekends walking the compound’s perimeter planning the future.  He would be out in May of 2004, and, surely, sixteen months later I would make parole.

 

It was during the fall of 2003, shortly after arriving in Nashville that, at my father’s suggestion, I wrote a strange letter.

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Go on to Chapter 43…

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Frank Sullivan

If you make the Most High your dwelling place—even the Lord who is my Refuge—then no harm will befall you, and no disaster will come near your tent.  For, He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.  (Psalm 91:9-11)

 

The day I took the test to see if I was intelligent enough to serve as an aide to the Teacher’s Supervisor, my boss was to be a man for whom many adjectives have been used in description, none of which were complimentary in nature.  I’d never met the man prior to that day and would not have refused the job even if I had.  I wasn’t looking forward to the experience, though, and upon meeting the man later, I have to admit I didn’t disagree with the general consensus.

 

However, God was watching over that situation, too.  Before my first day on the job beginning the next morning, a substitution had been made and Frank Sullivan introduced himself as my new boss.

 

Frank and I were, and still are, I guess, the same age.  Really, our only two differences of any consequence that I can recall were: a) he was a former Baptist minister; my background was Nazarene.  However, we both served the same Lord and the doctrinal differences never made any difference; and b) he was not incarcerated while, of course, I was.

Billy Garrison

I am sending an angel ahead of you who will protect you as you travel to the place I have prepared.”  (Exodus 23:20)

 

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord have never forsaken those who seek you.  (Psalm 9:9-10)

 

One night in May, 1997, Billy Garrison, a deputy with the Sheriff’s office in DeSoto County, Mississippi, crossed several lines.

 

The first line of the night (a night that would forever change the course of his life) was the Tennessee State line as he entered the State with a friend to attend a bachelor party.  His life was on track with his plan, and in a short two weeks his plan was to move to the Mississippi Gulf Coast and begin a new assignment as beach patrol with one of the gulf-side counties. 

 

Somewhere during that night he crossed the line between sobriety and intoxication.  This was a line he had crossed so many times in his young life that it was just a way of life; no second thought; all in the name of fun and a good time.  But tonight would be the last time…ever!

Watch This

I was in trouble…big trouble.  I knew – I had been in trouble before and recognized the feeling.  Like the time I had been throwing the tennis ball against the side of the house – a direct violation of the rules – and lost control of it and broke not only the living room window, the big one in the middle, but the Hummel thing that Gram had given Mom the Christmas before.

Then, to make matters worse, I lied about it and told Mom it was one of my friends that had thrown it.  I didn’t know at the time that Mom had been watching me from the bedroom.  That was trouble – I could still feel the paddle hitting my backside.

But even that didn’t compare with the beating I was about to get.  Usually the peacemaker, I would go around the block to avoid, or prevent, a fight.  But when I saw Buddy, the school bully, picking on Pete, it was more than I could take and I just had to open my big mouth.

Of course, now, staring into his eyes – up into his eyes – and seeing the hams he used as hands clinched angrily into huge fists…Buddy was in the fourth grade and the rumor was that he’d been through the fourth grade twice before.  And to my skinny, third grade – for the first time – eyes, he looked like a giant.  I suddenly knew how David felt as he confronted Goliath.  This was going to hurt.

The only thing I could think – over and over again as I stood there waiting for the pain to begin – was, “Where is the bus?”  It was late and because it was late I was about to get my clock cleaned, my bell rung.  I was about to get the taste knocked right out of my mouth.

I was acting more brave than I felt.  I WAS standing there – on the outside anyway.  On the inside I was running for all my might.

Whatever He Wants

This Pondering was penned July 24, 2005, while in a prison in Nashville, TN.  Since I wrote this – since God put this things on and in my heart – I have been able to track a little of His moving in my life and circumstances.  I am amazed and humbled that He loves me so and provides for my needs.

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Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. –Romans 8:26-27

 

 

 I was reading along in Romans – that’s where I needed to be today – I’m doing the read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year thing and that was today’s passage.  I was headed toward my favorite scripture passage – the one to which I was grasping with all my might – Romans 8:28.  You know it.  I know it.  And I’m relying heavily upon it for there has to be some good come out of this mess I have made of my life.

Well, I’m reading along and, out of the blue, this scripture, which I have read many times, jumped off the page at me.

You see, I’ve been praying one certain prayer for months…even years.  The prayer that God would act, through His great love and mercy for me, and make a way out of this prison for me.  And here, right in front of my favorite verse was a passage telling me something very disturbing.

Rick McKeel – Part Three

What then shall we say?  Is God unjust?  Not at all, for He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”  It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.  For the Scripture says to Pharoah:  “I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”  Therefore, God has mercy on whom He wants to have mercy, and hardens whom He wants to harden.  (Romans 9:14-18)

 

Freedom wasn’t God’s will and two days after the hearing, on December 12, 2002, I returned to West High to start my life in prison.  And Rick was there.  He arranged for me to share a cell with him.  He got me a job (a big deal here due to the sentence credits awarded in exchange for menial tasks); first as the flunky who cleans up the trays after meals, and later as a library clerk. And he introduced me to the next of God’s special people.

 

I’m ashamed to report I’ve lost track of Rick.  He made parole, and the last I heard, he was living in Memphis.  I hope he reads this and knows how he positively affected my life.

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Go on to Chapter 40…

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July 20, 2001

The days were moving so slowly.  Every minute seems a lifetime and there certainly were a lot of lifetimes.  Understandably, I was completely consumed by my own situation and problems.  They dominated my thought and prayer life.  I wondered where all my friends were.  I wondered why people weren’t being more attentive to me and my needs.

In short, I was self-absorbed and completely unable to grasp the way I had rocked everyone’s world.

A glimpse of this is seen in my mother’s letter.  Words like “constantly” and phases like “every waking moment” hit me hard and widened my vision a bit.

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July 20, 2001

Dear Dan,

I have been thinking of you every waking moment.  You are constantly in my prayers.  I have been so concerned for you.

One day I called Mrs. V. H. Lewis (the widow of Dr. V. H. Lewis – General Superintendent).  She and I had a wonderful season of prayer and since that day I have had a peace that I really needed!   Mrs. Lewis is a prayer warrior and she has agreed to keep you in her prayers.

Nothing that you can do could change my love for you.  I still have great aspirations for you.

I understand from your brother that you need some money to get things from the store in the jail.  I’m sending this for that purpose.

Love you!

Mom

P.S. Please pray and keep in touch with God!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Ole Bill’s Perspective – “Divine Disappointments”

Divine Disappointments often precede Divine Appointments!

Disappointments are ‘divine’ because they are the methods God uses to bring us face to face, in full surrender to the only one who is not a disappointment!  We try in our own strength to find and perform the will of God, but like Abraham going in unto the handmaiden Hagar only produced an Ishmael, which was a curse there and ever since!  Oswald Chambers reminds us of the important truth!  “Waiting on
God for His instructions, then obeying those divine orders implicitly produces the Isaacs of holy purpose in God’s grand scheme of redemption.”  Oswald Chambers underscored this great truth, “That our way is the way of the flesh and brings forth the Ishmaels’ of failure or second best, while obeying and waiting on God for the divine miracle, which truly happened in the loves of Abraham and Sarah when Isaac was born; that our God is glorified and the work of the kingdom is enriched beyond measure!”

So God lets us fall on our faces and this is ‘divine’, for it is His way of getting our absolute attention so He can really help us help others.  How many times did we fall as babies in our attempt to walk instead of crawl?  The mother eagle lets the eaglets plummet nearly to their death before breaking their fall by her powerful talons and wings.  Oh, how helpless and how powerless we feel when we have fallen short of the mark of God’s first and best plan!  Romans 8:28 kicks in which reminds us, “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”

God Did It!

David said, “God has burst out against my enemies by my hand,

like a bursting flood.” – I Chronicles 14:11

 

The parsonage sat on a beautiful lot in an older neighborhood of Roanoke, Virginia.  From the back yard, Mill Mountain was breathtakingly beautiful but that sight was completely ignored on that sunny afternoon.

The men of the family were all in the backyard.  Shooting basketball.  Dad and I were trying to prove to each other who was the best shot by taking the long tries from outside the hard-packed dirt where grass refused to grow.

The little guy – my younger brother, only four at the time – didn’t have the option of picking from a variety of shooting spots.  His little arms were barely strong enough to get the ball to the rim when standing directly under the basket.  But that’s where he stood and, when his turn came around, would valiantly try to immulate the grown-ups, slinging the ball up toward the rim.  Failure didn’t seem to affect his determination, but his excitement knew no bounds when, suddenly, one of his shots found the mark.

Turning toward us with the biggest grin on his cherub-like face, he proudly announced, “God did it!”

Having found the range, the next two or three attempts met with similar success and each time he would proclaim that God had made the goal, not him.

Rick McKeel – Part One

O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath, for your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me.  Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.  My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.  My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly.  I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning.  My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body.  I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.  All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.  My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away.  Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception.  (Psalm 38:1-12).

 

Through the fall of 2002, I sat idle in the bowels of the Shelby Country jail, more commonly referred to as 201 Poplar (or simply “201” to those unfortunate enough to have resided there.)  As I sat, I waited; waiting for the unfolding of events I was certain would result in my release.  I was looking forward to reliving the feeling of freedom I’d experienced the previous year.

 

Disgusted—downright angry—over the ineffectiveness and inattention of my attorney, I had engaged the services of another. 

Perspective

“All hope was gone…” –Acts 27:20

             The situation had gone from bad to worse.  I’m sure all the sailors, to a man, wished they had stayed to Fair Havens, as undesirable as that prospect had been at the time of their departure.  Their present circumstances made Fair Havens look like paradise.  But all the wishing in the world wasn’t going to change the consequences of that decision.

            Even the good doctor, Luke, seemed to share in the despair.  He reports that the storm raged for “many days…until at last all hope was gone.” (Acts 27:20)

Have you ever been in such a situation?  Are you there now?  Has another’s actions, or inaction, placed you in a precarious predicament?  That’s what happened here – the decision of a few adversely affected the many and now all hope was gone.  They were ready to abandon ship and give up the fight.

Is that where you are today?  Have so many days passed during your crisis that you’ve given up any hope of rescue or relief?  Is all you see, in every direction, high waves and dark clouds?  Are you ready to jump ship and give up?

Ruth Simmons

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and deeply loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.  (Col 3:12-16a)

 

My mother’s younger sister became my port in the storm.  You never know when your life experiences—the trials and storms through which you’ve traveled—are going to provide the tools needed to guide another through their times of trouble.

 

My Aunt Ruth is a perfect example.  After years of tumultuous marriage to my uncle, he, having found another, walked away from their marriage.  She was left to face many years of loneliness, heartache, education, and preparation which had given her a huge capacity to provide encouragement, empathy and the straight “I’ve been there and done that” talk which I needed so desperately during that period of time.

 

Upon my release from jail, I lived with my brother and his family for six weeks.  While I was so thankful for them and their hospitality, I began to feel my presence there was causing conflict in their marriage and disruption in their lives.  It was time to go.

 

Ruth, still living alone in a beautiful house situated on a lake outside Memphis, graciously took me in, gave me the downstairs master suite and fed me for ten months. 

 

From her recent letters, I feel confident she would agree that we helped each other in a symbiotic way through those months.  She provided a safe and stable home environment – a serene haven where the weekly visits with my children could occur within the terms of the court decree.  I helped with the upkeep of the property and was a companion to fill some of the lonely hours.

 

Together we ate, watched television, went to church.  We wept, laughed, prayed and rejoiced.  She advised, chastised, instructed and loved me through those days, and she will never (this side of heaven) fully comprehend how much I appreciate and love her for her help, love and sacrificial spirit.

 

She was my third angel!

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Go on to Chapter 37….

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A Prayer for the Day

July of 2006 was difficult.  The fact that I had accepted the reality that i would have to finish paying my debt to society inside the prison rather than on parole did not alter the fact that I still had fifteen long and tedious months to go before I would be allowed to enjoy physical freedom again.

Into that mindset entered a wonderful friend and encourager.  She brought me back from the brink of despair more times than she knows.  I thank God for her.

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            There are those among us – ordinary, everyday, almost anonymous people – who have and exercise the gift of encouragement.  They usually feel unimportant because their gift – at least in their eyes – seems so small when they compare it with the gifts of others around them.  They probably cannot sing.  They would be mortified if asked to speak to any group larger than two.

            And yet they have this ministry of encouragement and they throw themselves into it with all their being.

            The apostle Paul was blessed to have such people in his life.  One in particular, during those early days after his conversion, with everyone suspicious of his new-found faith in Christ, was a young man named Joseph, to whom his friends affixed the moniker of Barnabus.  He came to Paul’s aid.  Barnabus went out on a limb, took a chance of damaging his reputation and vouched for Paul to the brothers in Jerusalem.

            If it had not been for Barnabus, this quiet and unassuming man, our New Testament may very well be much thinner.  Without this encouragement, Paul may not have had the dramatic success that he ultimately had.  We’ll never know the effect this gesture had on the apostle’s ministry.

            I am blessed in this way, too, for I have an encourager.  She, like Barnabus, is a quiet and unassuming person.  She has enough problems, issues and stresses in her own life that anyone would understand if she turned her focus inward and put blinders on as to the rest of the world.

            But this person has chosen to become my encourager.  Even at risk to herself for, like Paul in those early days, my supporters are not well received in many places and circles.

            But she doesn’t care.  She writes, sometimes two and three times a week.  She send me postage stamps.  She searches the internet for inspirational items to send in the hope that they will brighten my day.

            And they do!

            I thank God for her.  She sent me this prayer, which I have modified slightly and reproduced for you here.  I hope it helps you as it did me.

 

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day.  I thank you for being able to see and hear this morning.  I’m blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.  You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.  Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to You.  I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.  Help me start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.  Let me make the best of each and every day and to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.  Let me continue to see sin through Your eyes and acknowledge it as evil.  And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive Your forgiveness.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus’ example – to slip away and find a quiet place to pray.  It’s the best response when I am pushed beyond my limits.  I know that when I can’t pray, You listen to my heart.  Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.  Keep me strong that I may help the weak.  Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.  I pray for those that are lost and can’t find their way.  I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.  I pray for those who don’t know You intimately.  I pray for those who don’t believe.  But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that You change people and You change things.  I pray for my loved ones.  For each and every family member and their households.  I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes, that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows that there is no problem, circumstance or situation greater than You.  Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.  I pray that these words will be received into the hearts of every person that sees them – into the hearts that confess You willingly.

This is my prayer,

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

 

            -Modified from a prayer of Ruby Dannhaus.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

…including Peter

“….including Peter…..”  (Mark 16:7)

           

It had been a rough week for Peter.  For the one Jesus had dubbed “the Rock”, the events of the past ninety-six hours had been the sledge hammer.  He was a broken man.  Smashed to pieces against his own good intentions.

He had protested at the foot washing Jesus had performed.

He had brashly proclaimed his willingness to go through death with his Lord.

Feeling guilty over his inability to stay awake in the garden, together with his proclivity to act before thinking, he sliced off an ear and received the rebuke of the One he was attempting to protect.

We can almost hear him think, “I just can’t do anything right.”

Then, to compound all of that, when the rubber met the road he faltered.

He failed.

Did you hear that?  He finished what he had started….making a complete mess of things.

And, when the rooster crowed that morning and his mind’s eye replayed the scene and he heard once again Jesus predict this failure, he was done.  Finished.  Humiliated.  Embarrassed.  Done!

Brashness was gone.

Self-image destroyed.

Hope of recovery shattered.

Peter, the Rock, became Simon the fisherman again.  Resigned to a life of mediocrity and obscurity – a failure.

But Jesus had others plans for Peter.  Plans that required – even demanded – his brokenness.

Jesus saw the potential where the world saw failure.  Jesus saw promise where Peter saw only denial.  Jesus saw the foundation of His church while Peter was resigned to pulling and mending nets.

So, on Easter morning, it was no accident that the angel at the tomb specified Peter by name.  At the mention of “disciples”, the women would have naturally included Peter.

It wasn’t for fear of them forgetting to tell Peter.  It wasn’t for Jesus’ sake or heaven’s sake that his name was called.

It was for Peter’s sake.

You see, Peter didn’t feel much like a disciple that morning.  As far as he was concerned that designation had been forfeited, once and for all, around a fire three days before.  A commission for the women to go and tell the disciples would not have drawn Peter to the meeting.

So his name was called.  His was the only name called.  He was the only one who had denied the Christ.  He was the only one whose temperament would not allow him to forgive himself.  So he was called by name.

“Make sure you tell Peter,” the angel said.

Imagine how Peter felt when he heard that heaven had called him by name.

Have you heard your name called?  Do you think your failure is greater than Peter’s?  Do you think you’ve been too bad to be forgiven?

Forget it!  Jesus loves you and is calling you by name.  He has plans for you.  Plans to prosper you as you work for Him.

Repent of your sins.  Genuinely apologize to the God of Heaven and Earth for your failures and then forgive yourself – He’s already forgiven you – and move on in service to Him.

“Now go and give this message to His disciples, including ______.”  Your name goes here.  He died for you.  He lives to make intercession for you.  He loves you.

And that’s enough!

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For more Ponderings, click here.

God’s Faithfulness

Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.  (Psalm 22:11)

 

The faithfulness of God was evident through these days in spite of my actions, in spite of my lies and in spite of my feeble and misguided attempts to manipulate the outcome of all of this.

 

It didn’t take long for me to determine that the consequences of breaking the law outweighed any actual or perceived benefit from doing so.  It’s probably not too far from the truth that such an epiphany was reached my second night in the Shelby County jail.  I was too freaked out that first night to think about much at all. 

 

Anyway, as I said, God was faithful even during this time; time when I surely did not deserve His protection and provision.  So through the rest of this story I will introduce you to some wonderful, and, no doubt, God-sent people who entered my life just when I needed them the most.  Some are Christians—some are not.  But all were just what I needed.  Their appearance in and effect on my life can only be described as miraculous!

 

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Go on to Chapter 34….

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Failures

“As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us.”  Psalms 103:12

 

Where I have fallen, I shall stand; where I have been defeated, I shall be victorious–for the Blood of Jesus covers just now all my sins, and all my ….

 

Failures

 

How comforted our hearts would be

                If we could truly say

That we had never failed our Lord

                Since we have known the Way;

That we had never faltered

                At the sacred task at hand,

Or cringed before the giants

                At the gates of Canaan Land.

 

But if our sins are covered

                By the Blood of Calvary,

And all the failures of the past

                Lie buried in God’s sea,

Then we can lift the shield of faith,

                And passing through the foe,

Possess the land of corn and wine,

                Where blessings overflow!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

August 13, 2001 (Part 4 of 4)

Son, you’re like Moses on the backside of the desert.  You’re in boot camp – you’re in school.  God’s getting you ready for a new work and a new life!

St. Paul wrote his greatest epistles while in prison.  Not a mountain retreat, but a dungeon.

And don’t forget God know how to get His servants out of prison, if He has to shake it down.  That is, if it’s His will.

Jonah disobeyed God and wound up in the stomach of a fish.  God got him out and he set out to accomplish God’s original plan and purpose.

Everything depends on what your plan and purpose is.  If it is to respond to the heart-cry of suffering men, women and children, it is God’s will that they be rescued and saved.

God can only use those who are broken through suffering.  “Even the Son of God learned obedience through the things which He suffered”, and “through suffering Christ became the Captain of our Salvation.”

Peter writes, “After you have suffered a while…make you perfect and establish and settle you.”

God has His own way of getting us fit for service.  “A vessel unto honor, sanctified and meet for the Master’s use.”

As for the pastor and people there, I’m sure they struggle with the matter of loyalties.  Your wife and the boys are the victims and they are reaching out to them which is what they should be doing.  I’m sure pastor and people feel that to show you interest and attention would be an act of disloyalty to your wife and the boys.  This is not right!

You are a victim, too!  A victim of Satan’s scheme.  The word is clear, “If any of you be overtaken in a fault (weakness – sin) ye which are spiritual restore such an one in a spirit of meekness – considering thyself lest thou also be tempted.”  Galatians 6:1.  It goes on to say, “Bear ye one another’s burdens and so fulfill to law of Christ.”  Galatians 6:2.

I, too, ran into this.  While in Nashville trying to recover, I went to a gathering at TNC when Chuck Milhuff was speaking there.  I walked up to a group of ministers, many I had know and worked with.  Twice I went to these men and put out my hand.  They turned and walked away.

Not all are like this, thank god.  Dr. Greathouse, John Andrus (Chattanooga First), Carl Sherman (Papaw’s buddy) and other, have stayed in touch with love and understanding.

As for your marriage, you must know that is over.  She is pushing for the “max” out of fear for herself and the boys.  You must pray for grace to put that family on God’s back burner.

I mentioned several pages back about the 12 steps and the 12 promises.  The first promise is this: We will know a new freedom and a new happiness. 

The second one is tougher to swallow: We will not regret the past not wish to shut the door on it.

This was the big one for me!  I choked on this, and raised the roof about it in many AA meeting.  I would say, “How am I not supposed to regret shattering the hearts of a wonderful wife and sons as well as hundreds of church people who believed in me?”  I really stormed at them until an old-timer with 25 or more years in recovery said, “Bill, everything you lost is what it took to get you where you are today.  It took what it took!  You can feel sad for the hurt you caused others, but don’t regret the price you paid to get straight and sane in your thinking!!”  Then he said, “Don’t shut the door on your past, leave that door ajar – just a crack – because God might just bring back some of those things or people when God feels you are ready for it.”

These are difficult words to digest but so true.  He said, “You leave the door open a crack for another reason.  You will remember people you hurt or things you did that you need to apologize for and set records straight.”

We sang the words for years, “Whatever it takes…”  The main thing is that we are under the Blood and ready for Heaven, and that we are serving Him until He calls us.  It’s hard for us to see God’s “Big Picture” of things.

I’ll pick up on this in another letter.  This is getting long and it’s getting late.  I have gotten your letters and appreciate hearing from you.

I love you and pray daily.

Always,

Your Dad

P.S. Remember….

F  alse
E  vidence
A  ppearing                “FEAR is the ‘dark room’ where all our negatives are developed.”
R  eal

                                                Pretty good, huh?

 

P.P.S.  So glad you are reading and praying!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Read Part 3

New Beginnings

“From now on, this month will be the first month of the year for you.” – Exodus 12:2

Four hundred years.  Four hundred long years!  Slaves in a foreign country – promised a better life but stranded in Egypt as slaves.

And with no end in sight.  No hope.

Many probably remembered Moses.  Sure, he’d been gone for forty years, but his family was still there.  The sister that so carefully laid him in the basket and gently shoved him out into the Nile was still there.

And the story of his killing the Egyptian was sensational enough to live on through the years of his absence.

So now he’s back.  God is obviously on his side.  The many plagues are done and, through Moses’ mouth, God is telling them that it’s time.

Time to go.  Time to leave.  Time to move.

Next month.  Wow!  Could it be?

            We know it was to be.  That next month was to be the beginning of a new year and the start of a new way of life – the promised way of life.

            I’m so glad that our God is the God of new beginnings.  Failure, slavery, imprisonment?  No problem.

Lying, adultery, murder?  Awful, but forgivable.

Humility and a decision to follow God at all costs is all that’s required.  God can – and will – do the rest.

Jonah – runner to revivalist.

Joseph from inmate to in charge.

David – adulterer and murderer to the man after God’s own heart.

Thomas – doubter to determined.

Caephus becomes Peter, the Rock.

Saul becomes Paul.

Incredible.  Inspirational.

What’s my second half hold?  I don’t know.  But God does.  As He told the Israelites so long ago, my “next month” is on its way and a brand new “year” is about to be birthed.

Praise His Wonderful Name!

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For more Ponderings, click here.

August 13, 2001 (Part 3 of 4)

I know your own pain is so intense and unbearable that it’s hard to imagine anyone else hurting, too – this is natural – all I could think of was, “My God, I’ve made a mess of everything and I have lost my family, my ministry, my life!!”  All the while your poor mother was dying by degrees.  You boys were dying.  Pastors and laymen over the nation were praying for me and dying.  Be patient.

Where was I?  I had a thought going and lost it when your letter came –

Oh, yes….O. J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole, who was murdered, has a sister who was so shattered by Nicole’s death that she has started a national program for battered women.  I see her on the news programs often.

John Walsh, whose son was kidnapped and murdered was nearly destroyed himself through that terrible experience.  It was at this time that he went to D. C. and all the major news networks and got permission and funding to start the broadcast “America’s Most Wanted” which has run for 16 years and has been the means of apprehending hundreds of criminals and sex offenders.

All that to say this: you have to fight the thing that nearly destroyed you, or it will overtake you and finish the job.

They say, “The best defense is a good offense.”

Nothing reinforces your own recovery and reduces the risk of relapse like active involvement in a program to help others with the same problem.  And Son, it’s everywhere. 

MSNBC, as well as many other networks, is carrying one program after another about “Sex for Sale” which has flooded the country and the world, now reaching little children through the Web until little children are making copies of nude people and exchanging them with each other at school!  The accessibility of the computer sex market has flooded the country until it has reached epidemic proportions.

A congressional committee has or is meeting in D.C. to discuss this real problem (I saw this on C-Span).  They had video machines set up and were reviewing some of the material that our children have access to.  Porn is linked with most major crime in the U.S. and other countries.  It’s powerful and pervasive.  It’s obsessive and addictive.

Something to think about in view of your own precious boys – as well as other scores of children just like yours: nothing builds trust with the ones you’ve injured like taking an active role in combating the problem.

Had I not become active in helping alcoholics and addicts the 5 years at Hope Harbor and another 4 years in charge of the out-patient program at the hospital, I doubt I would be alive today.  Hundreds went through those programs that were helped and many have held out and are in recovery and many in church with their families.  My dream was to make this old house a recovery center or an intermediate care facility for people getting out of treatment centers for 30 days with nowhere to go except back to the old “playgrounds and playmates” which leads them back into relapse.

But I have had no money and by the time I got the place partially restored my health had begun to fail.  But it’s OK today.

The 8^th of next month will be 11 unbroken years I have been free one day at a time from the addiction that destroyed my ministry, my marriage and nearly my life!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Read Part 2 of this letter…

Read Part 4 of this letter…..

August 13, 2001 (Part 2 of 4)

Dr. Willingham wrote, “God learned something new in human suffering when He stepped down on the battlefield of human suffering and sorrow.”

It was because of this the writer of Hebrews spoke of Christ, the High Priest who, “is touched by feeling of our infirmities, and who is acquainted with our grief.”

There is an understanding through identification once we have experienced the pain!  Only those who have been there are qualified to share!

It was Betty Ford who, after disgracing her office as First Lady through her alcoholic addiction, later confessed that she had to “step down” in surrender which included cleaning toilets and scrubbing floors on her hands and knees.  It was there she heard the cry of those, like herself, trapped in addiction.

She faced another day and the crowds of people, among which were her family, President Ford and their children…..  In a touching ceremony, she placed her foot on a golden shovel, and turned the first shovel of soil for the construction of the Betty Ford Clinic, where thousands of actors, politicians and congressmen and women have completed successful recovery from alcohol and drugs.

Charles Colson disgraced, indicted and sentenced to Federal prison for his involvement in the Watergate scandal finally heard the cry of suffering inmates and started prayer groups with them.  When released he organized the nationally known Prison Ministry, and Chuck has traveled for years speaking in churches and prisons and has written books that have gone around the world touching and blessing thousands.

*****Just got your letter of August 8^th and have had a crying time and prayed and agonized for you.

Yes, Son, I am with you all way!  I understand your loneliness and the scorn you feel.  I know.

You mentioned your brother.  Not only is he neck deep in that business, as well as trying to be attentive to your boys and your wife, he has told me he has made a number of trips up to visit with you and the slot was taken by your girlfriend.  You have not mentioned her to me, but I can understand how you would hold on to her.  I’ve been there on that one, too.  They would come to the treatment centers and hospitals where I would be confined and visit with them and bring me things, etc.  I didn’t care that much about them but I felt they were all I had!  So I would hold on.  It was like a man floundering out in the ocean and reaching out to hold onto anybody or anything!  I held on to a lot of driftwood trying to stay afloat  - then when I would get to shore and collect my wits I would realize they were the last people I wanted to be with.  By that time they had run up my credit cards, etc.  (One Sears bill for $1000 for tires and shocks that took me a year or more to pay off.)

But if there is true meaning to the relationship and you really love her, then do it right.  Pray together and when you get out, marry her, and move to Little Rock or Jackson, TN, and start a new life together.  But I sure wouldn’t slap this in the faces of the family in Memphis.  They need freedom and you do, too…time to heal.

Call your brother and ask him to come and see you.  He can tell you what is going on with the business and your family.  You need him.  He loves you and is deeply indebted to you for all you have meant to him and done for him over the years.  But he does not have a good attitude about your girlfriend.  He feels she played a part in your downfall.  This is only natural for him to feel this way.  I understand, but he doesn’t.  He has never been “there” and hope he doesn’t get there.

But you need to stay close whatever you have to do.  You must realize that for the people that love you there is a “love/anger” stage they are going through.  You boys did it with me.  “If Dad loved us why did he leave mother and take off and leave us?”  Andy said his anger caused him to go on the ramble just like I did.  We vent our anger in different ways.

Your brother loves you but he’s hurting badly.  Only you can help this by being patient.

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Read Part 1 of this letter.

Read Part 3 of this letter.

August 13, 2001 (Part 1 of 4)

This was the second letter I received from my Dad during those days of lock-down in the Shelby County jail, but it was – and is – one of those incredible and wonderful works of art filled with all the love and encouragement that a father could pack into one after he had traveled some of the very roads I had trod.

He knew better than anyone what I was going through and what was facing me in the short-term as well as the long-term.  The short-term would not be pretty or enjoyable, but the reward, if I stayed true to God and followed His plan, would be something beautiful that would be nothing short of miraculous.

Even now, with Dad gone on to Heaven, this letter still speaks to me.  I hope it will resonate with you as well.

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Monday, August 13, 2001

My Dear Son –

I have written to you dozens of times – but just can’t get it on paper.  I bleed for you until there is no blood left.

I know I deserve all of this, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  After “preaching to others” I became a “castaway”.  I have lived with this torment, and will until my last breath.  Realizing that I have failed others – even my own family – has been more than I can bear.  (See?  Me, too!)

King David got caught in that powerful trap and fell to the bottom of shame and failure.  History states that he lived in a cave for years – so beaten and overwhelmed was he over his downfall.

Then he fell a second time, this time it was before the Lord!  The church and the world have been blessed ever since by the heartbroken cry of the 51^st Psalm.  Millions have found their way back to God by reciting the words of that prayer.  That prayer would never have been written had David not failed.  “Where sin abounds, grace doth much more abound.”  David rose above his failure and helped millions through the ages, but the cloud of sorrow and suffering remained with him until he died.

His enemies never forgave him.  The Psalms written after his downfall breathe with his torment caused by the “back-biters” and “wagging heads”.

His own son organized a rebellion and fought against his father – later dying hanging from a tree limb shot through with arrows.  David cried out, “Absalom, would God I had died for thee!”

David committed adultery and murder yet God forgave him – he served again, perhaps in a greater way than had he not failed.  But he suffered as a result of his sin until his death.

The sins of the parents are passed on to the children.  “The parents eat sour grapes and the children’s teeth are set on edge.”  So true!

Then the parents grieve and weep!  We cry loud and long, “I wish I had done things differently!  What was wrong with me?  Why did I do those stupid, foolish things?”

Sadly there is no going back.  What has been done is final and fixed forever!  At least in that sense of the word.

There are not only 12 steps in recovery, but also 12 promises.  (I had no confidence or appreciation for the 12 steps until one day during a lull at the Harbor, I found a little booklet in one of the desk drawers in which someone asked Dr. Bob – a medical doctor and co-founder of AA – where they got the 12 steps, and if he wrote them.  He replied, “No, neither Bill nor I wrote the steps…”  They asked, “Well, where did you get them, where did they come from?”  Dr. Bob – now an old man – replied, “For years in the early days of AA Recovery, Bill and I would sit for hours through the night reading the Holy Bible – the Gospels, Corinthians, the Book of James, the Psalms – we didn’t have to GET the 12 steps.  We already had them!”)

WOW!  Did that ever make a difference in my attitude and thinking!  (I was 2 years sober.)

Then I discovered that the church has accepted the 12 steps.  It’s called “Overcomer’s Anonymous,” and is endorsed by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family.

Anyway, they hit me with that first step: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

The first step is the only step where alcohol is mentioned.  The other 11 steps tell how to get out of the trap.

Other groups have endorsed the 12 steps and leave only a blank where “alcohol” is written.  So it’s “powerless over _______.”

For years while in the ministry, I would go out in the woods or cemeteries and scream out to God for deliverance.  I would pray, “Deliver me or kill me!”  Neither would happen.

Years into recovery it dawned on me – “God only works through people – Human instrumentality!”  God used physical demonstrations of His power in the Old Testament.  The parting of the Red Sea, the Bread and Quail from Heaven, the Burning Bush, etc.  People still rebeled and went astray.

Then God said, “I’ve got to go down there among them and touch them and love them and die for them.

So we had Bethlehem and Christmas and a young man that gathered the crowds of simple, hurting, discouraged people around him and spoke to them in simple language that they understood.  About the fields of flowers and the changing of the weather.  He ate with them and touched them;  He healed and blessed them and entered into their sorrows and pain.  He taught them a new way of thinking and living…..then He died for them!

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Go on to Part 2…

August 10, 2001

Another sweet note from my mother to get me through another day.  At the time it certainly didn’t feel like my life was just beginning – it seemed as though all was lost and life as I knew it was over.  And that was not entirely inaccurate for the old life had been laid open for all to see and then stripped away.  What Mom knew then – and what I have since discovered to be true – is that the new life, a life of promise and fulfillment unlike anything I had ever before experienced, was, in fact, just beginning.

 

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

What Am I Worth?

This thought was penned in the small hours of the morning on January 24, 2004.  At the time it felt as though the sentence would never end; that freedom would never again be realized; that my existence was pointless and futile.

And yet…………………….

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Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  And even the hairs of your head are all counted.  So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29

            What am I worth?  An often asked question.  Answers will vary from person to person.  Even with regard to one person, the answer will vary.  We are so affected by so many external influences and internal emotions.  We tend to view ourselves and evaluate our worth in the light of circumstances and perceptions of others.

At this particular moment in my life the answer to this question could be across the spectrum, depending upon whose view I adopt.

            What am I worth?

To the State of Tennessee, not much.  Worth only to be incarcerated and warehoused.

To victims of my crime, even less.  To them I have ceased to exist and, even sadder, they are glad.

            To my employer, the value of what I can produce, for as long as I can produce it.  When I cease being useful and productive, or when another can fill my shoes either more efficiently or more inexpensively, my value will drop immediately and dramatically.

To my family and friends, I am an embarrassment and, while they love me, they also distance themselves from me.  It’s less painful for them that way.

            So where can one turn to find even a semblance of self-worth and any sense of value?

Many will seek acceptance at the risk of the loss of their freedom.  Peers are fickle and will turn their back at the first hint of trouble.

Many will seek to escape the pain by diving headlong into a life of alcohol and drug use and abuse.  Anything to make them feel something – anything – other than the loneliness and emptiness that marks and characterizes their lives.

            Some will confuse worth with attention and will engage in random and risky promiscuity.

But, at the end of the day – at the end of each and every day – each of us is left alone.  Things, highs and passion only lead us deeper into the void and farther away from the true source of our worth.

Our Heavenly Father loves us.  Loves us so much He died for us.  So much that, even if each of us were the only one on the planet, He still would have taken on skin and sacrificed Himself so we could be freed from this futile and frustrating search for our worth.

He sees the ants in their colonies and cares for them.

He sees the pigeons that populate the prison where I live and cares for each one.

He sees me, as I work and as I sleep on the 21^st bed in the 17^th guild of the annex to one of the many prisons in this State.  And He cares.

            So the answer to the question, “What am I worth?”, comes down to the stark and humbling answer:

            His Life!

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For more Ponderings, click here.

A Danville Connection – A Word from the Heart

A dear friend recently made contact through my Web Site.  Apart for decades and completely out of touch, she is overwhelmed by the story of my life laid out here.

But her words are redemptive, encouraging and eloquent – I hope she will forgive my sharing them with you.  They are too wonderful to pass up……..

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I have read every chapter you have written here and many of the blogs, letters and other information that you have posted. It will take some time for me to actually process it all more fully. It almost reads like a story of some distant character to me, and yet, I know this is you too. I am sure it has been both painful and therapeutic to cleanse yourself like this.

I knew you long ago, and in that confusing time of growing adolescence surrounded by parents and other adults who were finding their own ways while directing us, I choose to believe I at least knew a part of you. Just as you knew a part of me. Very rarely do we reveal ourselves completely to  others…especially while we are trying to determine who we are really…but I think we learn over time how to be authentic, with our imperfections and everything, rather than keeping them to ourselves and living in the constant torment that you describe here. I know some people keep up appearances all their lives and never release the hidden things to anyone. I am happy that you are to the point where you are dealing with these monsters — slaying them one by one. I do believe in deliverance! I do believe that we have to die daily to our flesh and walk in the spirit — it is not always an easy task. I do believe God can and will bring healing to your life — no matter what we have done, thought, acted upon, etc… He is faithful and just to forgive us, when we repent and turn from it. Keep doing that. I believe we have to renew our mind daily, thinking on what is pure, honest, just, of a good report, etc… and always bring our thoughts into captivity. Satan wants that idle ground to work with in each of us.

I am a little sad that you have no recollection of those goofy times at church camp, Alleluia choir, IMPACT Team, etc. and how much trust my own father had in you that he allowed me, his only daughter, to ride with you alone as we embarked to Colorado. All the girls I knew had big crushes on you. You may recall I seemed to have a ship in every port on that trip; that would prove to be evidence of something deeper lacking in my own life as time progressed (we all have our own demons to battle, flesh to die to, etc. and that is another story).

Your family was a big inspiration to my family and to the church. I value having those times in my life. I have some very warm memories of those Nazarene church days, even though life has taught us that things weren’t perfect. People turned out to be other than what we had thought or even expected, and yet, the message of God’s love, forgiveness, mercy and grace abides. It was the message, and not just the messengers.

I study the Bible and take an honest look at the people whom God uses — we make them saints — they aren’t so much that way in the Bible really. They are followers, but at times they too fall short and/or struggle. Life is messy, even under the best of circumstances. We are of this world remember, but He has overcome it. We need Him so that we can do the same.

You are telling your story…a testimony of restoration. I know that God is a God of restoration (restoring the years that the cankerworm has eaten — Joel 2:25). He has done it in my life. And continues to do so.

It is heart-wrenching to hear all the things you have gone through…the struggles, the despair, the dark times, the disappointments, and the sins that have gripped you in your life. But it is heart-warming to hear that you have returned home to your Father and that you are allowing God to use all those things for His purpose that the enemy meant to destroy you. That is what we must do I believe.

It is the enemy, Satan, who comes to steal, kill and destroy, but God can and does take what Satan meant for evil and turn it around for His Good. I could tell you the dark roads that I have traveled down, but that is for another time. Just know this — repentance brings us back to Him.

I applaud you for facing the things you have faced and continue to face and for writing about your journey, and I pray that you continue to be authentic with yourself, God and others. I could recite verse after verse and preach that stuff all day to you, but I know that you have that knowledge.

I believe we need more than knowledge; we need a heart for God. We need to take His Words and His Ways into our hearts, and focus our minds on those things that He has for us. I am not saying that it is easy — even with the strongest Christian relationship and firm support all around us. The enemy sets traps at every turn; he has strategies; he drags us onto the battlefield. We need to be prepared — put on the armor of God. Remember that Satan can only suggest it to us — we have the right to say “no” to him and his wickedness. We have the right to refuse the demons that come to us — no matter what they are.

I thank God that His grace is sufficient…but we get overwhelmed because we think about tomorrow and this and that and on and on. It’s just for today…right now…because really, that is all we have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised — we only have this moment — and He sustains us in it. I am so thankful to hear your story and know that the “prodigal” has returned. I rejoice with the angels and your Father!

Please keep in touch.

I love you always

A Note from a Friend

She is one of my oldest friends – not chronologically speaking, necessarily, for I certainly have friends who were born long before her – but since I have known her since my early teen years, she qualifies as an old friend.

Recently, and after an extended silence – one that lasted twenty years – she read the posts on this site.  And while I don’t know about her initial reaction, her comment is worthy of sharing with you.

I have been forever moved reading of your plight and knowing that it all ends with mercy and grace being given out in abundance to you and your family.  What a mighty, wonderful God we all serve! I,too, have been in bondage of a different sort, but still imprisoned all the same.  Whenever we choose to serve someone other than Jesus, it does eventually become hell to us.  Your eloquent sharing prompted me to remember words He gave me several years ago…

I was bound when Mercy met me
I was enslaved and found release
It was Mercy, Love that met me
Broke the chains and set me free
Broke the chains and set me free

To the world, I will proclaim You
Precious Lord, I’ll shout and sing
That it was Mercy, Love that met me
Broke the chains and set me free
Broke the chains and set me free

Lord and Master, You are Mercy
Precious Saviour, You are Love
Bind my heart with yours forever
A servant to Your will above
A servant to Your will above

Forty

Forty.

I never considered how many times that number was used in the Word.  And, as I realize it’s frequency of use, I wonder about its significance.  Is it simply a nice round number the various writers of the Bible used or is there more to it than that?

Personally I don’t believe God makes mistakes, nor is He ever surprised by coincidence or circumstances.  The God Who formed me so carefully in my mother’s womb, the God Who so meticulously laid out the blueprints of the tabernacle, the Author of the wondrous plan of salvation, had to have a reason for using this number.  There has to be some significance to it.

But what?

As a child I remember agonizing over the confinement forced upon me during a two or three day rain storm.  The desire – the need – to escape to the outdoors, to run in the grass and to feel the sun on my face was so intense as to make the three days seem like eternity.  So I can imagine old Noah, not just stuck inside, but stuck in there with that menagerie – and their aromas – as well as the in-laws, and not only for a few days of rain, but forty of them, knowing that, for each day of rain, his imprisonment would lengthen by twice.

Our Lord, on the threshold of His ministry, spent a long and hungry forty days in the wilderness.

The forty days Moses was on the mountain of God receiving the law proved too long for the Israelites who succumbed to the temptation to make a substitute for the One True God.

And these are the examples of “days”.  What about the “years”?

I think of old Moses again.  Divinely protected at birth, destined to be the instrument of deliverance for his people, jumping ahead of God’s timing and killing the Egyptian.  An act for which he was sentenced to forty years on the back side of a desert, no doubt frustrated and riddled with self-doubt and low self-esteem.

I think of the real children of Israel.  Those young souls who were underage upon their first arrival at the border of the promised land.  The children of that sinful and doubting generation who, through no fault of their own, were sentenced to forty years of wilderness wandering.

So, again I ask, what’s with the number forty?

I think it’s symbolic of patience.  Waiting on God.  Trusting His plan.

It’s Noah believing enough to build the boat and sit through the storm.

It’s the Creator wanting His children, the children of promise, the ones with the dust from the floor of the Red Sea still on their feet, to trust Him and wait.

It’s the youngsters plodding through the desert, eating miracle manna, drinking stone water, trusting God’s timing.

It’s the Son patiently dealing with the feeble attempts of the tempter, when He could have ended it all with a Word.

And it’s me.  It’s me being required to do twice the time normally required for the crime I committed.  It’s me being required to serve forty months – there’s that number again – when others with the same sentence leave after twenty.  It’s me being asked to be patient and trust that God knows best.

There’s certainly nothing magic about forty.  But God will reward patience and a deep rooted trust in Him.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Tragedy

“He does not sweep away the lives of those He cares about.” – 2 Samuel 14:14

 

Tragedy had invaded Israel – even as far as the king’s own household.  A story pulled right out of today’s headlines – one of lust, incest, deceit, rape and murder.  And, finally, to complete the horror, an excommunicated son – the king’s beloved Absalom.  Banished for defending the honor of his sister.  In hiding to avoid his own death which the law demanded.

But, thankfully, this story has a happy ending.  And so does ours.  This story shows the depth and breadth of our Father’s love.  And the healing of this relationship between this father and son resulted from the devotion of a general and the acting ability of a woman.

Joab knew “how much the king longed to see Absalom.” (2 Sam. 14:1)  Maybe some hurt in his own life made him sensitive to this pain in the life of his king.  Perhaps it was simply his incredible sense of duty.

But whatever prompted him, Joab devised and implemented the plan to cause the king to realize just how dire the situation was and how easily it could be fixed.

We are not even told her name, but we are told of her reputation for great wisdom.  She plays her part perfectly, drawing the king to empathize with her before turning the tables on him.

Read the story.  Listen to her words as she instructs her king.  See the scene as, finally, the son is reunited with the father.

And realize the implications this story has for all of us as you read the woman’s words in verse 14.

“All of us must die eventually.  Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again.  That is why God tries to bring us back when we have been separated from him.  He does not sweep away the lives of those he cares about – and neither should you!” (2 Sam. 14:14)

Scripture says that we have all sinned and fallen short.  This is probably more true of me than you.  But the beautiful fact remains that God, our Heavenly Father, while our sin demands excommunication and banishment, is standing, right where we left Him, arms outstretched, beckoning us to come to Him.  To come back to Him.

You see, He never moved.  It was our sin that separated us.  And it is our own guilt that keeps us away, causing us to feel we have to clean ourselves up before we will again be acceptable.

What a fallacy!  The prodigal son was embraced by the arms of his father before his shower – fresh off the road and just out of the pig-pen.

How much more will the creator embrace us – just as we are – if we will only relent, submit and obey Him.

Don’t punish yourself over past failures.  Don’t remain a foreign land due to your sense of self-imposed guilt.

God loves you!  “That is why [He] tries to bring us back when we have been separated from Him.  He does not sweep away the lives of those He cares about…”

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For more Ponderings, click here.

9 – 146 – 5000

Strange title for a blog entry, I know, but very significant.

Nine months ago today I was just 120 hours out of prison.  As it always seems to be with time, in some ways the time as flown by.  It has passed in a blink and I still feel that it was just so very recently that I was locked away from all I hold dear.  But the time has plodded along at it’s ordained and steady pace and God has blessed and provided in so many ways, most of which you have read about if you have visited here much at all.  So many wonderful and unbelieveable people have entered my life over the last nine months.  So many stages of transition have been experienced in the whirlwind that as become my new life.  Nine months.  Such a short time for so much to have happened.

This effort was initiated in December of 2007, and this is the 146th post made to this weblog.  And the words – so many words – have not been mine, but God’s.  The things written about and commented upon in this endeavor are things He has brought to my mind.  I am merely the conduit through whom He has chosen to speak these things.  Hopefully – and prayerfully – as I have written them and posted them, someone else has found them helpful during their dark days of confusion and despair.

Five thousand.  The pages of this weblog have been viewed five thousand times in this short time span.  To those of you who have returned again and again to read of this Prodigal’s journey into and then out of the pit, thank you.  You have encouraged me and have kept me on the task I feel God has given me.

9 – 146 – 5000.  All milestones.  All successfully negotiated hurdles.  And it continues………..

Forgotten

            The feeling of being forgotten has to be one of the worst parts of this whole ordeal in which I find myself.  It doesn’t happen all at once – that actually might be easier – a clean cut, so to speak.

            No, it happens gradually, like the old pair of shoes sitting in the back of the closet under that bag of clothes destined to be a charitable contribution.  Once cherished, polished, cared for and modeled with pride, they gradually lost favor and attention.

            It’s hurtful to be forgotten – to have friends, one by one, fall silent.  To have family and loved ones become distant and aloof.  Slowly.  Gradually. Creating a wound constantly irritated preventing the protective scar from forming.

            Yes, being forgotten is a bad thing.  Failure is bad enough, but being forgotten is far worse.

            I began to wonder if being forgotten could ever be a good thing.

            King Solomon had completed all of his building projects.  The wisest and richest king the world had ever known was finished.  Peace – a seemingly permanent peace – had finally descended upon Israel.  It was a time of celebration.

            Then the Lord appeared to him and said something that raised my eyebrows.  He said, “As for you, if you will follow me with integrity and godliness, as your father David did, always obeying my commands and keeping my laws and regulations, then I will establish the throne of your dynasty over Israel forever.” (I Kings 9:4-5a)

            Wait just a minute.  I seem to remember that David did not always obey God’s commands and keep God’s laws.  I remember the selfishness, the adultery and the murder.  And, if I can remember it, surely the omniscient and eternal God can.

            It was then that the beautiful and glorious fact hit home for the very first time.

            Sure, I’d read the scriptures before.  Heard the sermons and studied the promises.  But it was not until this day, sitting in a guild with 29 other men, feeling forsaken and forgotten – a failure – that the wonder of the promise hit home.

            The promise?  God forgets.  He forgot David’s failure.  He forgot Peter’s denials.  He forgot Thomas’ doubting.  He forgot Mary’s prostitution.

            And He’s forgotten my sin – my failure.

            “…as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)

            “Lord, if You kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But You offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you.” (Psalm 130:3-4)

            And what’s more, in His unfathomable way, He is able to both forget our sins and use them to improve us at the same time.  This is the way my favorite promise can be true: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

            Yes, being forgotten can be a good thing.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

July 31, 2001

You obviously don’t know my mother as I do, nor will you ever – Alzheimer’s has stolen her from the world, in general, and from me, in particular.  And this, here on the heels of my father’s passing from this world to the next, has left a gaping void in my life.  In the abstract, we all are aware of the fleeting nature of this life, but we rarely dwell on the abstracts of life tending more toward the reality of the matter.  And, in this instance, the reality of the matter is that both my parents have been taken from me and that too early in my opinion.      This is surely part of the reason these letters from my Mom, written in her own hand, are so very special to me.  She was a godly woman and loved me.  Her love survived the trauma of my crime and my prison sentence.  Her only concern was the condition of my soul.

 

July 31, 2001 Dearest Son,      Just a note to let you know you are always in my thoughts and prayers.  As I was thinking about a book written by Dr. James Kennedy that I have just finished, it made me think to ask you if you have any uplifting books or periodicals where you are.  If not I would ask your pastor to lend you some.  Do you even have a Bible there?  If not I will send you one.  I would like you to set aside any other reading material and focus on God’s Word.  Wholesome reading.  This could be the beginning of your healing.      I would challenge you to use this time for feeding your mind with the things of God.  Satan has kept your mind so full of destructive thoughts for too many years.  Toss anything that would distract you from God’s Word.  The thoughts have been that God has been tugging at your heart for all these years.  This is His way of getting you on track!  I am convinced that God did not give you all the talents and brains for them to be wasted.  He is still dealing with you.  He has a plan for your future – cooperate with His plan –you will not regret it.  God loves you too much to let go of you!  Your mother does too.  I am sending you a book I have recently read.  It will be along shortly. I love you dearly. Mom

 

Mom was right.  Satan had deceived me and distracted me from my God-given mission in life.  Just as my potential was being realized, all was lost in an instant over a poor choice and even worse decisions.      But she was also correct that the God-given talents and abilities, while making me an irresistible target of the evil one, were still present and available for use in the second half of my life.      In short, my mother never gave up on me and that, I believe, is a very large part of the reason I never gave up on myself.      Thank God for my Mom.

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Exiled

“…..until the Exile.”

            Micah was a scoundrel.  And he appeared to get away with it.

            He stole silver from his mother.  When confronted and questioned about it he confessed and returned it.

            Mom was so impressed that she melted some of the silver and made an idol for the home.  An object of worship.

            So successful was Micah at ignoring God with apparent impunity that he formed his own temple and even hired a passing Levite as a priest.  Religion for sale.  Morals for sale.  A god at bargain basement prices.

            Who needs God?  He had an object of worship, a temple, a priest.  What a deal, right?

            Everything was going along just fine until a bunch of Danites came through and decided they wanted this laid back, free-style form of religion.

            The Levite, having already prostituted himself to Micah, found it a small step to move on to a higher bidder.  The Danites stole the silver idol from Micah’s house and stole a town from the Sidonians and set up shop.

            How many times in the Book of Judges do we read the sad epitaph?  “In those days there was no king in Israel.  Everyone did what was right in their own eyes.”

            Does this sound at all familiar?  We’ve lied.  We’ve cheated.  We’ve misrepresented.  We’ve stolen.  We’ve killed – maybe not physically, but certainly figuratively.  We’ve replaced God with something or someone else.  We’ve created our own religion.  We’ve sought out and found a religion or a church that preaches a “gospel” that is so watered down – diluted – that it doesn’t offend us. 

We commit character assassination.  We lust in our hearts.  We secretly covet what our neighbor has.  We harbor grudges and ill-will in our hearts.

Don’t we remember that murder and gossip are the same in God’s eyes?

            Or maybe you’ve changed your ways, repented and turned your life around and wonder why those around you, still going on their merry way, are seemingly immune from the trials and tribulations with which you are dealing and struggling.

            Are you so very tired of watching others skate through life trouble free while you are so troubled?  Financially set while you are financially strapped?  Relationally happy while you feel relationally challenged?  

            My advice?  Hold on!

            Believe me, I can understand your frustration.  I know how it feels to try to pray when the heavens feel like brass.  I’ve experienced days and weeks – even months – without any apparent move by God on any situation about which I was concerned.

            But, if you are reconciled with God, while “in this life you will have struggles” and while the struggles are sometimes debilitating, we can have the blessed assurance that our God will never leave us or forsake us.  His anger with us over the past is so short-lived and His lovingkindness reaches beyond the stars.  Weeping may last for the night, but joy – blessed joy – comes in the morning.

            Hold on!  Don’t lose hope.  Do not release your grip on Him.

            And when you’re tempted to just give up because of the seeming injustice you see around you, remember the story of Micah.

            Everything rocked along just fine…..”until the Exile.”

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For more Ponderings, click here.

July 26, 2001

The days in the county jail passed slowly.  I was moved four times almost immediately within the jail and was eventually assigned to a cell on the medication floor due to the notation in my jacket that I was taking the mood stabilizer Celexa.      I tried to fit in.  I tried to maintain a low – very low – profile.  I didn’t want to be noticed for those who were noticed got into trouble, whether from the officers from without or the other prisoners from within. My new faith was there but I couldn’t help but wonder where this would all lead.      I received divorce papers – I couldn’t blame her.  I didn’t hear from my children – and I couldn’t blame them either.  I heard from very few and I understood.      But on the 39th day of my stay there in that hell-hole, my precious mother wrote:

 

July 26, 2001 My Dearest Son:      Thank you for the letter you wrote!  I have longed to hear from you.  Your letter helped a lot.  I am so sorry for all the anguish you have experienced through the years about your addiction.  I wish so much that you could have been able to confide in your father or me so we could have gotten help for you.  We are praying for you many times a day.  I encourage you to read your Bible and feed your soul.  God does not waste anything and I am sure He has a plan for you.       We have a man in our church who was in prison.  He was saved in jail – went to prison and came out with a burning desire to help prisoners.  He established a ministry and is doing a great work helping people who are in prison.       God doesn’t waste anything!  Trust Him!  I know you are down tight now, but if you commit it all to Christ, He will bring you out and give you a ministry to help others.  You are my beloved son and I will never forsake you!  You are always on my mind and in my heart.  Nothing can keep me from loving you! Mom

 

Do I need to add anything to that?      A mother’s love is truly a wonderful thing.  My mother continued to support me with her letters, her prayers, her love.      And I believe, as my mother wrote those years ago, that God doesn’t waste anything.  I am continuing to search and pray for His will and His plan for my life.

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For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Broken Things

“Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord, thy God, led thee… to humble thee and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart.” Deuteronomy 8:2

 The way up is the way down; the way to the throne is the way of the cross. God’s love shines brightest in the….

Broken Things

God uses best the broken things:

                The contrite heart, the folded wings

                                Of our poor, selfish pride–

                                Ah yes, and even scars we hide

                He blesses for His own!

 

 If in the breaking I might be

                A better vessel, Lord, for thee

                                Then crush my stubborn will,

                                And all of “self” that lingers still;

                Anoint my eyes that I may see

A vision of Thy plan for me

                ‘Til Thou shalt call me Home!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

July 22, 2001

During the early days of my incarceration, shortly after I re-committed my life to the Lord and received His forgiveness, I wrote out my story.  It was in very rough form and was certainly nothing of admirable content or talent, but I felt the need to get it out.      I sent this draft to my Dad.  Of all the people in the world, he had the ability to truly empathize with me.  He had already proven his love by driving a thousand miles to pray for and hug me in those first horrific days.  He had already expressed his forgiveness as we wept and prayed that day in the visiting room of the jail.      Now he would know the whole story – the only one so far.      I received this letter in return.

 

July 22, 2001 My Dear Son,      I received the manuscript late Wednesday eve… What a story!  And what courage it took to write it!  No greater relief than to get totally honest – with yourself – others and God!  I, too, have been down every rocky, dead-end road and am acquainted with total failure and shipwreck.      I’m sure my reaction to this is much different than your mother’s.  I have thought of her through this and can only imagine her shock.  I have prayed for her and Jerry everyday – also the others…..  According to your brother, your wife and children seem to be holding up, but they are all suffering a pain that will not go away for the rest of their lives.      I know your feelings of isolation, desolation and desperation.  Five lockups in treatment centers and general hospitals, halfway houses, and rescue missions for periods of from 30 days to 6 months.  Six months in Rick’s church basement.  Six months in a boarding house, etc.  After staying in the Hyatts and Hiltons and Embassy Suites over the years and driving plush cars and wearing new clothes and eating the best food – what a disaster!      I felt like filthy, greasy rags on the floor of an old abandoned garage, forgotten and worthless.      But someone was there all the time.  I just didn’t know.  The Lord had me surrounded by His special instruments.  “God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform.”      I was bottomed out in an intensive care unit in Nashville Veterans Hospital – borderline brain convulsions – tubes, wires, etc.  I kept thinking of you boys – how I had hurt and disappointed you.  My pillow was soaked with tears and I was all alone.      I started quoting the words (out loud):           “God uses best the broken things            The contrite heart – the battered wings            Of our poor selfish pride –            Ah, yes, and even scars we hide,            He blesses for His own.            If in the breaking I might be            A better vessel Lord for Thee            Then crush my stubborn will,            And all of self that lingers still;            Anoint my eyes that I may see            A vision of Your plan for me            ‘Til Thou shalt call me home.”  (one of Mother’s poems)      A nurse was standing nearby and heard me – she rushed to my side and asked me to quote those words again.  She got a piece of paper and wrote them down and exclaimed, “It’s just what I needed.”  And left the room.      I’m thankful He led me into AA with people with my problem that could identify.  God used those people and I was not alone.  Five years at the Harbor and four years teaching at the hospital enabled me to help others which helped me stay on track.   September 8th will be 11 years of freedom from that addiction that destroyed my ministry, my marriage and the trust of all who have ever known me.  I owe it all to God’s love working though people.      I’ll write you again.  I have been very sick.  I love you….always!  Always!  Always! Dad

 

He had been there and he knew.  By God’s power working through him, he had overcome his addiction and had lived to help others and further the Kingdom of God through his work.      That was my father’s prayer for me over the next seven years and was one of the last things on his mind as he died.      He is in Heaven and my prayer is now that his prayer will be answered – that I be used of God and that this ordeal through which I have come will not be in vain but be beneficial to those who need to find their way to their Savior.

Because He Lives

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

 

Jesus has made all the difference in my life! From the hour He saved my soul, He has been unfailing in His love and goodness.  In trial, He has strengthened and sustained me; in sorrow I have leaned upon His everlasting Arms to find comfort and renewal.  I am undeserving of His special care, but life would be insupportable without it. When my little day here is ended, I shall go to live with Him forever ….

 

Because He Lives

 

Because He lives, my darkest hour shall hold no terror;

                His healing balm shall soothe my keenest pain.

Beyond life’s toilsome road, I glimpse that fairer,

                Eternal City where my Lord doth reign!

 

Because He lives, my earthly cross shall be, tomorrow,

                Transmuted gold in His redemptive crown;

His Hand shall wipe away all tears of sorrow

                When I shall finally lay my burdens down!

 

Because He lives, there is no death–just parting

                At some bright crossroad ‘neath the setting sun;

Because Christ lives, eternal life imparting,

                I shall behold His Face when day is done!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

July 16, 2001

As I was completing my first month of confinement, still unsure as to my future – both immediate and long-term – my mother wrote again.  Her handwriting was already starting to suffer and the mere fact that she repeated herself several times during the course of the letter was evidence that the Alzheimer’s, that would eventually rob her of even her ability to speak, was already taking hold.  But her words, written from a heart of love, were a balm to my soul during those early days.

July 16, 2001 Dearest Son,      I got your letter today and cried all the way through it.  Your brother had sent us the letter pertaining to your addiction to porn.  I must admit that I was shocked by it since I never had a clue all those years that you were addicted to pornagraphy. I cried as I read your letter.  I know it is difficult to admit such a thing, but you have done the right thing to come clean.  God has forgiven you and so have I.  I have had some of my closest friends praying as well.  I feel so badly that this addiction was not discovered in the early years before it became such an addiction.  I’m sure that you have lived with a lot of guilt – living a double life – pretending to be a Christian and serving in that capacity knowing your guilt.  I am sure you feel clean after confessing your guilt and coming back to God.  Isn’t it wonderful that He will forgive and allow us to make a new start.  I am proud of you!      We don’t know what the future holds for you, your family, and, for that matter, for us.  But it is so comforting to your Mother’s heart that you have made peace with God!!  At least we will enjoy eternity together if we all stay true to God.      As you know, I have made mistakes in my life.  Nobody is perfect, but thank the Lord that He is willing to forgive when we come to Him in repentance.  Many prayers have gone up in your behalf and we will continue to hold you up.  As you already know, your life will be different after this incident, but God has a way of putting lives back together again and using a willing vessel in ways that honor Him.  You have a brighter future than any of us can imagine at this point.  Just trust Him and stary true and you will see better days than you have ever seen.      I love you dearly!  Stay true! Lovingly, Your Mom

We certainly do not know the future.  It’s twists and turns baffle and the mystery of it can be frightening.  But, as I read her words, sitting on an upper bunk in a tiny cell on the second floor of the jail, I knew the One Who did know the wheres and the hows and the whens of my future.      And now, on the backside of that particular nightmare, I can testify that her words were right on point.  The future – now the present – is indeed brighter than I could have ever imagined.

Assurance

“Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.”  Matthew 10:29

 He loves me too much to desert me; I cost Him too much for Him to forget. This is the warp and woof of my…. 

 I do not know why obstacles sometimes obstruct my way,
Or why so often tunnels dark conceal the light of day;

 But this I know: no dangers lurk that I must face alone,
For He who marks the sparrow’s fall will lead me safely Home!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page. 

July 10, 2001

As I was wrapping up my first month of confinement, desperate for some ray of hope or some sense that everything was going to work out, my precious Mother, once again, provided just the ray for which I had been searching.

 

 

July 10, 2001 Dear Dan: Just a note to let you know that I love and we are praying for you.  I realize these are tough times. Now that you have commited your life to God, things are going to be better. I love you dearly and am proud of your new life! Keep praying and keep your chin up! Love and Prayers, Mom

 

 

It was about this time that I began to believe that something would happen to spare me the horrors of prison.  I had never been in trouble in my life, no one was actually harmed despite my efforts to the contrary, and surely prison time would not be the end result of all of this. I began to believe – foolishly – that since I was forgiven, that all would somehow revert to something similar to the life I had just left. How stupid we can be sometimes.

“Dyin’ Don’t Come Natural To Me”

During my last days in the prison, I met and now call friend a young man of exception abilities and talent.  Contrary to the popular belief held by society at large, there are a few – albeit a very few – of those exceptional personalities locked up in the prison system.  During my stay there I developed a test designed to separate these guys – individuals with whom I would associate – from those that I considered a risk to both my safety and my ability to successfully negotiate the perils of that environment.  It was a simple test: if they acknowledged the fact that they deserved to be punished for what they had done and that they weren’t there as a part of some cruel and unfair joke that was being played upon them, then they were more than likely to be a pretty decent guy despite why they were there.

Taking responsibility for ones actions and gracefully accepting the consequences, regardless of how unpleasant or lengthy they may be, in a mark of maturity rarely found these days.  It is especially rare within the walls of a prison.

In addition to all of his other talents and abilities, this young man would be quick to tell you that he deserved the punishment meted out upon him by the State and, while incarceration is never something a normal person gets used to, handled the situation with a quiet assurance while maintaining his sense of humor.

We got along well.

In the rare, calm moments in the housing unit where we both lived, he would break out his guitar and play while I sang.  Together we were able to recreate songs we both knew and those musical moments were a real escape from the madness of the place.

After my release and several traded letters, he penned these words and shared them with me:

You said unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground
It stands alone until it dies, you see.
My heart desires to know you, Lord,
And someday wear a crown.
But dyin’ don’t come natural to me.

So help me, Lord, as I lay my burdens down -
My endless struggles to be free,
And hold me, Lord, as I fall into the ground,
Because dyin’ don’t come natural to me.

-CE

To my knowledge this man had never acknowledged Christ as Lord of his life before that time.  I pray that my time there was in some way instrumental in him coming into a relationship with Jesus.  If he could, then the years I spent there, while deserved on my part, would have served a purpose higher than merely satisfying the State.

In the words penned by my precious Mother years ago, “After all, nothing of this world is lasting.  Look toward eternity.“

July 4, 2001 (reprise)

On the same day my brother was typing things off his chest, our mother, in her still beautiful handwriting, spoke again from her heart.

July 4, 2001

Two days after our mother wrote that letter, my only sibling sat down at his keyboard and gave me a piece of his mind.      I can’t say that I blame him.  I had deceived him, along with everyone else, and he felt like a fool.  He shouldn’t have – I was a good, no, a great, deceiver – but that didn’t alter the fact that all this had gone on right in front of him and he felt he should have noticed something…..anything.      Be that as it may, the first letter I received from him, even given my recent confession to God and the resultant repentance, stirred my emotions in dramatic fashion.     And, more to the point, he was right on track with every word………………..

 

Dear Brother,      I hope this letter finds you in good spirits and with a sense of well-being.  I have so much to say to you that it’s hard to know where to start.  I guess the best thing is to start with the hard stuff an end on the up-side.      I imagine you have an idea of how shocked and disillusioned I feel. Someone could have tortured me to the point of near death, and I would have never said that my brother would have ever done anything like what you’ve done. I defended you on many occasions with regard to an affair with Ellie. I still try to understand without result why she, of all people, would appeal to you in this way.  I always thought you only put up with her because you were a good guy, trying to be a good friend to her, and also the fact that we needed her skills around the office. Anyway, I guess that’s neither here nor there in comparison to the main issue here.      All those times that we talked about your relationship (or lack there of) with your wife, I felt like you were confiding in me and that I was allowing you to release some of the penned up emotion and frustration. Since you were talking to me about it, however infrequently, and the fact that you were in counseling made me relax about your situation.  I see now that you weren’t really confiding in me at all.  All it was was a pitiful attempt to further cover your tracks. I’m not here at this point to sugar coat anything.  That makes me feel like a fool.  All these years I worked side by side with you, not to mention all the time at church and in our personal lives, this affair was going on and I was too blinded by my ideal of who you were to see what was happening right before my eyes.      Then, the attempted murder.  Of all the hair-brained things to do.  I know you have to be saying the same things to yourself over and over again (or at least I hope you are). You are smarter than that. A divorce would have been painful enough, but this is devastating. And the guy who you were conspiring with. Some day, if you ever want to have a meaningful relationship with me ever again, you are going to have to come clean about everything.  Everything!!!  Why he would lead you down this road and then set you up for a fall, I just can’t fathom.  How could you unload everything to that idiot, a petty thief and drug dealer and who knows what else, and not to me, your own and only brother that would have done just about anything for you? Your wife could be dead in a box right now leaving no one for your kids to fall back on.  That’s the bottom line.      Well, I could continue along these lines for pages but it would do no good and I’m sure you (are) sick of hearing it by now. On the other side of all the mistakes, I want you to understand fully where I stand.  You are my brother.  You’ve always been there for me.  Even when you had to show tough love.  I will always be here for you as well. No matter what. That means as long as I’m alive, I’ll have your back under any circumstance, including this circumstance.  I want to slap you and embrace you all at the same time, and I’m not sure in which order.  Also know, for whatever it’s worth, that (my wife) and I are going to make every effort to look after your wife and your kids. At this point there’s not a lot I can do for you right now outside of letting you know that I’m going to stand beside you through it, but I can take an active role in their lives.  They are the victims here and they didn’t deserve any of this.  This is not a matter of taking sides.  I’m on everyone’s side.  Sometimes I wonder how that is possible, but that’s just how it is.  I’m doing my best to not provide ammunition to either side.  I hope you can understand my position.      The thing that weighs most heavily on my heart is the condition of your soul. I always thought that if one of us got into heaven, it would be you.  You know I’ve struggled with things and am still struggling.  I don’t feel like I’m as close to God as I should be either, so it’s hard for me to talk about this with you.  I keep telling myself that there will be some good to come out of all this.  If I had my wish, I would hope that it would break you to the point of submission to God and His plan for your life.  Your life is not over.  He can use you and your talents still.  It’s up to you to use the situation that you find yourself in.  Your know what is right.  Do what is right starting today.      I guess for now I’ll let you off the hook.  I realize that the tone of this letter might not be what you need right now, but it is what I need.  I needed to tell you these things so that I can try to move on and start feeling something else.  I feel a bit overwhelmed right now with all that I have on me.  This has made me take a real close look at my life, my marriage and my relationship with God.      Be strong and take heart. You have more people praying for you and supporting you than you can imagine.  I’m enclosing everything that people have given me on your behalf.  Stop using all your phone calls on what’s her name and let me hear from you. See you soon, All my love and support, Your Brother

And he did and he has.  He has been there for me through this time like few others.  Most turned their back, got busy, or simply lost interest.  He did not.      Even today, we see each other regularly, laugh and clown around like we did when we were kids, and talk to and confide in each other as brothers should.      More importantly, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he still “has my back” and would do anything within his power to help me if I asked.      He’s a good brother and for him I am thankful.

July 2, 2001

I was arrested on Father’s Day in 2001.  Not one of my proudest moments.  It was frightening, intimidating, overwhelming and alienating.      My Dad drove thirteen hours – one way – through the night to be by my side and hold me in his embrace as I wept on his chest.  In that moment standing there with my father’s arms around me I knew that somehow – someday – all would be OK.      As it would happen, my precious mother – already suffering the effects of the devastating Alzheimer’s that would eventually rob her of even her ability to express herself verbally – wrote the first letter I received after my arrest.  This letter watered the seed planted in my father’s arms that day.      God could and would forgive.  God could use this horrible moment in time for good – both for me and for others.      God could make a way………

 

July 2, 2001 My Dearest Son,      I know this is belated but I have been trying to get my wits together.  I’m still not sure I am there but I did not want to delay any longer so that you would think I did not care.  You have to know that this letter is hard for me to write.  I still can hardly believe what has happened.  You have been such a model son all your life and I guess I thought you were invincible.  Perhaps I have not spent enough time praying for you.  I should have known that a young man of your many talents would be pursued by Satan himself.  Forgive me in failing to hold you up in prayer more often.  I do want you to know that I love you now more than ever and you are constantly on my mind.  I have not written because I was too emotional to get thoughts together.      The first (thing) I want you to know that my Mother’s love is as strong or stronger than it has (ever) been.  I will not abandon you for making a mistake – no matter what the consequences are.  Of course, you have to know that I am shocked to think you would plot to kill any one, especially the mother of your children.  You should have known that your actions would have devastated the boys.      I have taken heart in the fact that no one has lost their life and you still have the opportunity to make a confession and ask God’s forgiveness.  I implore you to that step.  Although this plot was inspired by Satan you have not committed the unpardonable sin.  If you come to Him, He will blot out your transgression.      I am aware that all of your material wealth is gone and you feel that all is lost, but if this event will save your soul from being lost for eternity it will be worth everything that you have lost.  I am praying constantly to that end.  There is no telling what you can accomplish in God’s Kingdom if you surrender to Him.  My prayers are to that end.  Material things dim in the light of eternity.  I encourage you to use your time in jail reading God’s Word and repenting.  Even if you are incarcerated, you can let God use you.  After all, nothing of this world is lasting.  Look toward eternity. I love you so much!!! Mom

 

She had no way of knowing, but her prayers were answered even before she wrote the letter.      After two weeks of jail, the time clearing the fog and giving me a chance to fully come to terms with the reality of my situation and the horror of my crime, on my 41st birthday, lying on a mat in a two-man jail cell, I finally came to the end of myself and cried out to God for forgiveness.      And He forgave.      It would be years before I would achieve physical freedom, but that day, as I read the letter of my wonderful mother, I was already free!!

My Heart Is Fixed

“My heart is fixed.” Psalm 108:1

We are living in a day when bloodless cults are finding easy access to men everywhere around the earth, but….

My Heart Is Fixed

I would not change this walk of faith,
For one of groping doubt;
No creed or dogma could attract
That leaves my Saviour out.
No bloodless cross could set me free,
Or satisfy my soul–
It took the Fount of Calvary
To make this sinner whole!

I want for nothing, but His smile,
His grace to meet each day
With quietness and expectancy–
He answers when I pray!
My heart is fixed, my faith unmoved
By skeptic’s mocking jeer,
For Oh, His Presence is to me
A taste of Heaven here!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

In His Sight

“Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee …. Fear not, for I am with thee.” Isaiah 43:4,5

In His Sight

In His sight, thou art still precious,
Oh beloved, tempest-tossed,
When the rivers would o’erflow thee,
And it seems that all is lost.
God still cares! His love is changeless,
Though all human love should fail–
Fiery darts of Satan wound thee
‘Til thy very heart doth quail!
In His sight thou art so precious;
God remembers, treasures still
All these long, rich years of service;
Faith as stable as the hills!
There is no retirement in His kingdom, 
There is no rejection in His plan;
So keep that tender, holy spirit,
And pray for me whene’er you can!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Daniel’s Prayer (adapted from Daniel 9:4b-19)

     This prayer hit home during my second year of incarceration. I, too, felt exiled and alone with my deep sense of guilt and regret. I was able to personalize this prayer and realized that, though God had to punish the sin, He still loved me and was more than able to accomplish good things through me in the years I had remaining on this earth.
     I pray today that you, too, are able to pray this prayer with the prophet and that God will speak peace to your soul.

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     O Lord, the Great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with all those who love Him and obey His commands, I have sinned and done wrong. I have been wicked and have rebelled; I have turned away from Your commands and laws. I have not listened to Your servants who spoke to me in Your Name.

     Lord, You are righteous, but this day I am covered with shame – you have exiled me because of my unfaithfulness to You. O Lord, I am covered with shame because I have sinned against You. The Lord my God is merciful and forgiving, even though I have rebelled against Him; I have not obeyed the Lord my God or kept the laws He gave me through His servants. I have transgressed Your law and turned away, refusing to obey You.

     Therefore the judgment of God has been poured out on me, because I have sinned against You. You have fulfilled the words spoken against me by bringing disaster upon me. All this disaster has come upon me and yet I refuse to seek the favor of the Lord my God by turning from my sin and giving attention to Your truth. The Lord did not hesitate to bring disaster upon me, for the Lord is righteous in everything He does; yet I have not obeyed Him.

     Now, O Lord my God, who brought Your people out of Egypt with a mighty hand and who made for Yourself a name that endures to this day, I have sinned, I have done wrong. O Lord, in keeping with all your righteous acts, turn away Your anger and Your wrath from me. My sins have made me an object of scorn.

     Now, my God, hear the prayers and petitions of Your servant. For Your sake, O Lord, look with favor on me. Give ear, O God, and hear; open Your eyes and see the desolation of my circumstances. I do not make requests of You because I am righteous, but because of Your great mercy. O Lord, listen! O Lord, Forgive! O Lord, hear and act! For Your sake, O my God, do not delay, because Your servant bears Your name!

Psalm 44:23 – Awake, O Lord! Why do You sleep? Rouse Yourself! Do not reject us forever.

1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 103:12 – ….as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Jeremiah 31:34b – For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

If we repent, truly repent, he is obligated, based on His Word, to forgive us.

If He forgives us, due to His nature, He is able to forget we ever did anything wrong. The sin is written in the Book, but the blood of Jesus flows over the entry and it cannot be read ever again. His precious blood makes us, and our page in the Book, as white as snow, ready for our fruit to be listed.

This makes us eligible to claim and rely upon His promises.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Always On Time

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalms 46:1

 

I thrill to think of the faithfulness of God–how He is not only mindful of my every care and problem, but in the emergencies of life, has been….

 

Always On Time

 

The prayer you have prayed these many long years

                To an empty horizon of dreams and of tears,

Shall come to fruition, I know, friend of mine,

                For our Father is faithful, and always on time.

 

How often when testings unlimited come,

                And it seems that the battle will never be won,

The Hand of my Saviour has reached down for mine,

                And lifted me up in an instant of time!

 

What glorious rest when the mileage seems long,

                The mountains loom high, and the giants look strong

To know that my Saviour sees each need of mine,

                And praise His dear Name–He is always on time!

First Sunday in Heaven

Are Sundays different in Heaven? Is the worship sweeter? Is the presence of the Lord more real? Is the angel chorus more prepared to sing? Are the hearts and minds of the worshipers more attentive? Do they wear different clothes on Sundays up there? Is anyone ever late for the service?

I wonder because today is my father’s first Sunday in Heaven. And, for the record, I don’t think Sundays are any different in Heaven than any other day. I think the worship is always sweet and intense and on purpose. I think the Sunday-wear is the same as the everyday wear. The angel chorus is always perfect and is augmented by the host of the redeemed.

Sundays in Heaven are the same as every other day there for worship is a way of life and the very purpose of existence. So my father is right at home for worship was a way of life for him while he was with us. And now, unfettered by the cares of life, unencumbered by the frailties and imperfections of an earthly body, my dad is indeed in heaven for he is where he has longed to be for so very long – in the eternal and constant presence of Jesus.

All Things

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Romans 8:28

 All things! What comprehensive words! The cross that weighs so heavy; the wound that goes so deep….yes,

 All Things

All things work together for our good–
Believe this promise in the trying hour!
The bitter test may not be understood,
But faith can triumph over Satan’s power
If we but cry, “Lord, I will trust in Thee,
For surely Thou hast deemed this best for me! “

 All things work together for our good–
The broken dreams and sorrows that life brings;
The secret pain that none but God can see
May be His means to open faith’s rich springs;
And often we must suffer utter loss
To apprehend the victory of the cross!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

I Will Lift Up Mine Eyes

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.”

The Psalmist, David, found hope, and help, and healing in the upward look, and so in the emergencies that must come….

“I Will Lift Up Mine Eyes”
(Psalms 121)

“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, “–
The God who loves me knows my soul’s sore test,
He heareth now the heart-cry of His child;
My help shall come: the Lord will give me rest!

The arm of flesh on which I’m prone to lean
Cannot allay the anguish of this hour;
So I shall lift mine eyes beyond this scene
Unto the hills, the symbol of His power!

Yes, I shall lift mine eyes above all natural things,
In every disappointment, pain, or grief;
And looking up, my faith on soaring wings,
Shall find in Him both victory, and peace!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.
 

God Answers Prayer

“Pray without ceasing.”  I Thessalonians 5:17

Prayer! The golden key that unlocks the vaults of Heaven! The storm must pass; the dawn must come. Our song may  have a sweeter and sadder refrain, but we shall sing again. I know for….

God Answers Prayer

God answers prayer! No night can be so long
But He is there, and comforts with a song!
I know, for I have groped through trials dark
With faltering faith, and fainting heart;
But when I claimed God’s promises,
Believing in their power
To save unto the uttermost–
God answered in that hour!

God answers prayer! Oh praise His Name!
No fowler’s snare, or fettering chain
Can fail to yield to steadfast faith;
There’s victory at the Throne of Grace;
I know, for just when failure
Seemed inevitable for me,
I claimed the Blood of Jesus,
And lo, He set me free!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Because You Cared

“Evening and morning, and at noon will I pray and cry aloud; and He shall hear my voice.”
Psalms 55:17

Somewhere a heart had yearned for my soul; somewhere a voice had been lifted in importunate prayer! A new name was written down in heaven ….

Because You Cared

Because you cared enough for me
To travail daily in your secret place of prayer
With blinding tears, and heart poured out in agony,
I came in deep contrition to the cross, to live anew!
My sins are gone; old things have passed away
Because you cared enough to pray!

Because you cared enough for me
To plead again with unrelenting zeal
That I should know that glorious touch of blessed purity,
I came in deep contrition to the cross;
Christ reigns supreme! 
His Presence giveth victory day by day,
Because you cared enough to pray!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Gratitude or Grumbling

     I wondered how it would be.  As my out date from the Department of Corrections approached and my mind began to focus more and more on life after prison, I wondered how I would react to freedom and the accompanying stress.
     The possibilities were many, each with a blend of circumstance and dilemma, but they can all be reduced to two general categories: gratitude or grumbling.
     Would I be like Peter who, released once from the prison of brick and mortar and later from the prison of his failure, spend my life in grateful service to my God?  Or would I be more akin to the children of Egypt who weren’t out of sight good before they started in on poor Moses?
     Would I be thankful for the blessing of release and employ my God-given talents to help others – a modern-day Joseph?  Or, to pick on the poor Israelites again, would my attitude turn sour at the first setback, disappointment or difficulty?
     Well, on this day which marks the six month point of my post-prison life, I can answer that question.  Not that this is the only time this question will need to be addressed for there is a lot of life left if God allows it, but, as with the first one hundred days which was the subject of another article here, this milestone is a big one – if only to me – and I feel the need to report for the glory of God.
     My answer to the question of which side of that fence I am on is resoundingly gratitude!
     There have been – and will surely continue to be – challenges and trials as the readjustment continues.  There will probably always be a little financial stress.  There will surely always be times of loneliness for my children and the life that could have been had I not allowed the enemy of my soul to gain that foothold in my life.
     But I am, indeed, grateful.  As I stepped out of my little rented house in the country setting north of Nashville this morning at just after five to head to work, I couldn’t help but pause to give thanks for all He has done for me.  In the quiet, early morning moment, as the birds celebrated Spring and the sleepy community began to come to life, I was again humbled – as I have been many times over the past six months – by God’s love, His provision, and all that He has restored to this once-shattered life.
     I am very grateful.

Because He Came

“That he would grant unto us, that we being delivered out of the hand of our enemies might serve him without fear, in holiness and righteousness all the days of our LIFE.”
Luke I:74, 75

Life is fraught with beautiful value and meaning, and we are conscious that God has not deserted us, but is working that one day the forces of hell will go down to ultimate and conclusive defeat ….

Because He Came

Because He came, the stars of heaven shine more brightly
Across the troubled night of this old earth;
Though chaos reigns, and hearts fail for the future,
The Christmas chimes still herald Jesus’ birth!

Each tinkling bell assures us “God is with us, “
And naught can thwart His great eternal plan;
V{hen heaven touched earth the hour of Jesus’ coming
Eternal hope became the gift of man.

Because He came, the power of sin is broken,
His strength is ours for all life’s weary race;
Because Christ came, the Christmas bells are ringing,
And my heart sings of His redeeming grace!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Assurance

“And I will put thee in a cleft of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by.”
Exodus 33:22

The certainty that no difficulty, no hindrance, no obstruction that God permits must be borne in my own feeble strength, brings blessed….

Assurance

I do not know why obstacles
Sometimes obstruct my way,
Or why so often tunnels dark
Conceal the light of day;
But this I know: no dangers lurk
That I must face alone,
For He who marks the sparrow’s fall,
Will lead me safely Home!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Prayer Meeting

The pastor often said, it’s the “filling station” in the middle of the week. And so I have always found the….

Prayer Meeting

There’s a blessing that awaits us
Every time we wend our way
To the church on Wednesday evening,
Where the saints all meet to pray.

For the cares that would perplex us,
And dishearten or disturb,
Are forgotten in Christ’s presence,
As we feast upon His Word.

When someone arises, shining,
With God’s glory on his face.
Every word of Blood- bought victory
Brings new consciousness of grace.

There’s able blessing in the singing,
In the humbleness of prayer.
In the fellowship of Christians;
It’s God’s hour! You should be there!

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For more of the poetry of my grandmother, visit the “Uplifted Eyes” page.

Come On In

     “These things we pray in the blessed name of our risen Lord, Jesus the Christ.  Amen.”

     The wizened old man looked up and smiled at the small group.  Diversity was the only commonality.  No, that’s not quite true.  Each face was radiant with a supernatural glow.  That, in addition to the diversity, made this little group truly intriguing.  But it was the leader I was most interested in.  He looked up, his eyes brimming with tears – not of sorrow, but of joy – and said, “Beloved, that will have to do for tonight.  We should not stay out too late these days.”

     Turning to a youngster sitting at his knee, he continued, “Marta, please blow out that candle before we open the door.”
     And with a puff from that small child, we were all cast into darkness.  I heard shuffling as those around me moved toward the door and departed.  I, however, was riveted.  I had to know more about what I’d just heard and seen.

     So I waited.

The Hidden Path

“Your road led through the sea, Your pathway through the mighty waters – a pathway no one knew was there.” (Psalm 77:19)                

Have you ever actually stopped to consider the scene?  It’s mind-boggling! 

The four hundred or so members of Jacob’s family ended up, through an amazing set of circumstances, in Egypt.  Times were good – great, in fact.  Joseph was in charge.  No one in the entire country, except Pharaoh himself, had more power than this exiled former slave.  This ex-shepherd.  This ex-houseboy.  This ex-inmate.

This man of God!

But now, all these years later, that tiny band has grown and, by God’s mighty power displayed through His servant Moses, has escaped from Egypt.  That safe haven of the time of Joseph had turned cruel and harsh.  God heard.  God cared.  God provided the way.

So consider the scene: this over-sized family, that only hours before had made a joyous and triumphant exodus from the land of their captors, standing on the shore of the great sea, mountains on either side and the most fierce and feared army of the day bearing down from their rear.  I imagine the singing stopped.  I hear the panic in the voices of the women as they ask their husbands what’s to become of them.  I recognize a familiar chorus, one that will be, unfortunately, replayed many times in the coming years, “Did God deliver us from Pharaoh only to kill us in the wilderness?”

Can you blame them?  Would you have responded any differently?

Will God Change His Mind – Part I

It was a terribly hot day, hotter than was normal for the region.  The old man sat in the shade of the great trees that were to be found scattered throughout the area.

His wife was also out of the sun, but was keeping herself busy in the tent.

He couldn’t really say where they came from but he was suddenly aware of the three men standing out in the heat.

“Please, gentlemen, come in out of the heat and allow me to share my provisions with you.”

They had to be hot. 

The First 100 Days

The importance of the first one hundred days of any new venture, whether it is a newly inaugurated President or Congress, the beginning of a new job, or any new plan of action and course of conduct, can be traced back to the days of the Great Depression and President Roosevelt.  Those days were days filled with uncertainty and turmoil and a new plan was needed in order for the country to survive and that new plan needed to be implemented quickly to stave off the internal strife and unrest that threatened the very fabric of our nation and its democratic form of government.

The new president entered his term of office with unmitigated zeal and unbridled enthusiasm and the first one hundred days saw a change of direction the benefits of which are still evident in society today.

This is an election year and the candidates are stumping around, rattling their respective sabers, making outlandish – and certainly, unkeepable – promises in order to secure the election.  But if you’ve paid attention in years past, those promises are rarely honored and we see, during the first one hundred days, that everything returns to business as usual.

I am so glad to be able to report that that is not the case with this life God has restored to me. 

One Hundred Dollars

The return trip from Memphis and my semi-monthly visit with the boys is always a bit of a bummer.

Add to that the unavoidable fact that Monday always follows Sunday which means that my normal 4 AM wakeup is waiting for me in the morning, and that, since this is the 27^th of January, payday is still a week away and there has definitely been more month than money this month, the result is only a small step above depression on the emotional scale.

As I drive up the highway toward the house, I decide, in a poorly veiled effort to delay my return to the uninhabited rooms of my home, to stop by the Post Office to check my box.  I can see the house from the parking lot.  It’s sitting over there mocking me – “Come on in….loneliness is waiting over here!”

A feeling of aloneness washes over me unlike anything I’ve experienced since those early post-release days that found me sitting in that hotel.  “How am I ever going to make it on my own?” kept running through my mind, augmenting the separation anxiety that is customary after my visits and enhancing the unsettledness that rides with me on these return trips.

So now that you have a picture of my frame of mind as I approach my mailbox, you will know that I expect very little as I turn the key and open the door.  Maybe a bill or two.  Perhaps just emptiness staring back at me.

Neither is the case. 

You see, a friend, knowing my situation and my borderline despair, had been praying.  I didn’t find this out until after the fact, but he had.  Without saying anything to anyone other than God, he had brought my situation before the throne of God and, as only God can, He answered.

As I open my box, I see a single envelope awaiting my arrival and my attention.  Without return address, with overtly disguised handwriting, it sits there.  Curious, I pick it up and open it.

I pull out two blank pieces of paper and a single One Hundred Dollar bill.  And, like I wrote after a similar experience  earlier in the month, tears fill my eyes and gratitude swells my heart.  I’m not alone.  God is providing.  Through someone, the identity of whom I may never know, He lifts my head and my spirits just when I need it the most.

Suddenly the house isn’t so mockingly empty.  Suddenly the bank account isn’t as much of a concern.  Suddenly, in the way only God can do it, my lonely heart is filled with His peace and His presence.   He will provide a way where there seems to be no way.

Following

“Then all the disciples deserted Him and fled.” – Matthew 26:56b
“But Peter followed Him at a distance….” – Matthew 26:58a 

     At least he was following.  Peter was the big mouth – remind you of anyone you know?  He had big ideas and plans.  “Boisterous” described him to a tee.  Ready to go.  Anywhere – anytime.  Just ask him.

     As Jesus was finishing the Passover meal and outlining the upcoming events, Peter broke in with his extravagant promises.

     “I’ll follow you all the way.  You’ll not get rid of me. No Sir.  I’ll go with you to the death.”

     Remember?  Again….remind you of anyone?

     Then came the garden scene.  With sleep in their eyes and half-finished yawns, the little band of disciples is confronted by the Romans, Jewish religious leaders and Judas.  I can imagine the scene.  Jesus is so very calm, cool and collected.  Of course, He had the advantage – He knew what to expect.  The poor disciples were caught completely off guard.  Rocked back on their heels.  And, after Peter’s brief venture into the unknown, wielding a sword, an action which earned him Christ’s rebuke and had to have further confused the man, the disciples just seemed to melt into the night.

     So as the ear falls and the blood spurts and the guards recover from their paralysis of surprise, the mighty eleven scatter.

     Now Peter catches a lot of grief due to his following at a distance and the denial, as well he should.  But at least he was following.

     What about you?

     Fast forward a few days.  The scared, confused, disillusioned ones are fishing.  They didn’t know what else to do. Their whole world had just been shattered.

     But this morning was different.  The stranger on the beach who was no stranger.  The huge haul of fish that had been just over the side of the boat all night long.  The smell of fish cooking over an open fire.  Forgiveness awaiting the tired, humbled men.

     And the same question, asked three times that were really three very different questions.

     Peter’s answers.  The restoration.  And the statement, “Upon this rock I will build my church”.

     Do you see it – the significance for us?

     The Bible says that all have sinned and fallen way short.  That “all” includes Peter.  That “all” includes us.  But, thanks be to God, our Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ, we don’t have to stay “fallen”.  Regardless of what has gone before, we can be forgiven. We can be a Rock.

     “For I know the plans I have for you…..”

     The past is the past.  No amount of anguish or self-punishment can change it.  But with Christ’s help, in His strength, we can have a hope and a future.

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For more Ponderings, click here.

When He Reached Down His Hand For Me

I remember as a child just six years of age accompanying my father to Pittsburg on a business trip.  I was thrilled to see all the sights of the big city, the tall buildings, the big trucks, and throngs of people everywhere. 

But my delight soon turned to FRIGHT as Dad parked the car and we started to cross the street in the middle of the block to a nightmare of traffic.  Fear must have covered my face, because Dad reached down and took my hand, and guided me safely across to the other side. 

My father was not an affectionate man, for I never remembered him ever touching me or holding me other than that one incident.  BUT I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN, NOR WILL I EVER FORGET THAT SPECIAL DAY IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS SO AFRAID, AND MY FATHER REACHED DOWN HIS HAND FOR MINE!  Since Dad is gone now, and I am grown, my HEAVENLY FATHER has reached down His hand for mine so many times when I have been desperate and alone.  I have remembered the Psalmist David saying, “When my mother and father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.”  Psalm 27:10

     So Dads, reach out your hand of love, forgiveness, and understanding to that son or daughter and make an everlasting memory for them!  Please do it in Jesus’ name.

                                          “As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15                      -Pastor Bill

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During my years in prison, my father wrote articles for his monthly church newsletter.  They each touched my heart, and those of the members of his church during that time; so much so that I want to share them with you.  May God continue to use the words of my father to minister through these pages and this medium.

On The Way

Before he had finished speaking,…
Genesis 24:15

There have been many times in my life when I desperately needed God to work – to solve a problem or resolve a conflict or make provision for my survival – but, being the in the very midst of the situation and often feeling overwhelmed by it, was unable to even know how to pray.

It has been during those times when I have fallen on my face before God and cried out for help.  Being unsure of how any solution could even be possible, my cries have rarely been specific but more akin to the groaning of a soul in need of the wisdom and guidance of a Creator even in terms of how to pray for and about the matter.

How comforting to know that God’s answers are on the way before we even utter our prayers.  In the Scripture, the servant is far from home, on a mission for his master and unsure of where he was going or who he was looking for.  But he trusted that God both knew where he was and that He had the answers to the questions with which he was dealing.  So he stopped.  He prayed.

And before he had even completed the prayer, the answer was walking up in the form of Rebekah.

We frequently feel abandoned and alone – stuck to deal with our circumstances on our own.  But the reality is that God is answering our groans and cries before we even know how to pray or complete the prayers on our lips.

Trust in Him.  He cares for you!

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For more Ponderings, click here.

Resurrection Reality

With the commemoration of Palm Sunday – Passion Week and Resurrection Day fast approaching, we fix our attention on these powerful and meaningful events as they relate to our personal “SO GREAT SALVATION!”  Our finite minds cannot comprehend the colossal cost of human redemption!  As the song goes: 

Why should He love me so,
Why should He love me so?
Why did my Savior to Calvary go?
Why should He love me so? 

Yes, Christ was born to die that we might live, and His love for us motivated every agonizing experience of His life right up to His ascension, where His angels announced;  “Why stand ye gazing up into Heaven?  This same Jesus which is taken up from you into Heaven, shall so come in like manner, as ye have seen Him go into Heaven”  (Acts 1:11) 

So get ready to commemorate the LIFE,  DEATH, and RESURRECTION of our Lord and Savior, and our soon coming King of Kings!  

Pastor Bill                                                                                      

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During my years in prison, my father wrote articles for his monthly church newsletter.  They each touched my heart, and those of the members of his church during that time; so much so that I want to share them with you.  May God continue to use the words of my father to minister through these pages and this medium.

Wasted Time

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness…” Matthew 4:1a 

Jesus knew who He was.  He knew He wasn’t the son of a carpenter from Nazareth.  Remember the childhood disappearance when He was found in the Temple?  “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49) 

So I imagine, as He walked the earth during those first thirty years, noticing the misery, the hopelessness, the depression of the people, He repeatedly prayed for the Father to allow His earthly ministry to begin. 

But it wasn’t time. 

I can imagine, as He was submerged beneath the water, water that he had made, held there by His cousin, who He had made, that He felt a flutter of anticipation in His breast – “It’s time!” 

As He surfaced and He recognized the voice of the Father proclaiming His Son-ship from the heavens, he must have felt an incredible surge of power and eagerness, muscles quivering with readiness to begin the next phase, adrenaline coursing through His veins, ecstatic over the possibilities – over the task at hand…finally. 

But the Father said to wait.  The Spirit led Him into the wilderness. 

“Wait, My Son.  Be patient!” 

How difficult it must have been.  The Son, as part of the Triune Godhead, had an eternal view.  A thousand years were as a day and a day as a thousand years. 

But the Son, as one who had voluntarily put on skin, had a finite view.  His time for ministry was short.  Each day important.  How easy for the Son to chafe under the command to “wait”. 

But He waited and followed the Spirit.  He obeyed.  He acquiesced. 

Are you being asked to wait?  Are you in a place you don’t understand?  Are there things that you see you need to be doing?  Good things?  Productive things?  But you’re being required to wait? 

My answer to all those questions is “Yes!” 

Do I understand?  No! 

Will I ever understand the purpose of this time? 

Maybe! 

Maybe not! 

The Father doesn’t promise us understanding.  He promises us provision, sustenance and hope.  This side of heaven we won’t understand God’s perfect plan any more than we will understand why Jesus was led into the wilderness. 

Be patient. 

Trust. 

God doesn’t make mistakes.  Nothing is wasted or accidental with Him. 

Are you being required to wait? 

Then wait. 

And trust. 

And look for His release from the wait. 

See:
Matthew 4:1-11
Isa. 30:18
Psalm 40:1
Psalm 27:14
Psalm 130:5 

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For more Ponderings, click here

God’s Provision

Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 
John 12:24

This is out of sequence and I really don’t care.  It is important and so much so that it bears immediate attention.  Besides, it’s my weblog so I get break the sequence if I choose, right?

I just finished writing the previous post dealing with the execution of the lease and the wondrous movement of the Spirit of God in my life.  Thinking I would get out for a minute to get some fresh air, I stopped by the Post Office to check the mail, only because there is really nowhere else to go and, with gas at close to three dollars a gallon, too expensive to get there even if there were.

As I stepped in front of my box and turned the key, my expectations were low.  There’s never anything in there.  Sometimes I wonder way I bother to stop in at all.

Now I know why.  It’s for moments like this when the evidence of God’s amazing and miraculous “just on time”-ness is experienced in such a vivid and overwhelming way.

My finances this month are a bit challenging.  Details aren’t the point here, but it’s the 12^th of the month and the bank account is already down to double digits.  Nineteen days till payday and I’ve been wondering……

In the box today, sitting there keeping my gas bill company, was a card from a person I watched grow up.  I was there shortly after his birth.  Probably changed a diaper or two.  Took pride in his accomplishments, usually from afar due to circumstances.  And have watched as his life has blossomed into a life of ministry to others for God.

His identity will remain undisclosed for now for I don’t believe he did this for any recognition but only out of love for me and a heart of service to God.  His note touched my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched in a while as evidenced by the sudden flow of tears blurring my vision as I read his words.  Words of confidence and faith in me at a time when that is such a rare thing.  Words of blessing and hope for the future I desperately needed at just that moment.

And a check .

The Voice of the Spirit.  The Hand of the Father.  The love and provision of the Son. 

Indeed!

At The Bottom Again

It’s Friday.  It’s early November.  It’s a beautiful day and I head off to my first day on the new job.  So many thoughts rush through.  All I used to have.  All I gave up.  All that’s lost.  All that’s ahead.

The emotions pound as I drive to work.  Anger at myself for being so stupid.  Remorse over the sinful and criminal acts.  Loneliness as I realize that, at least for the foreseeable future, I am alone.  Fear over how I will make it at the new pay scale.  Apprehension which accompanies every new job.

Those are the negative emotions, but there are some positive ones, as well.  Gratitude to God for providing once again.  If I’m worried about finances now, how much worse would it be if there were no job and I was having to beat the pavement to find a position only then to have to try and convince the boss that I was worth the risk.  I am grateful to Him.

And I am grateful to so many who have made the choice to believe in me and have been so faithful to give me the much needed assistance and always just at the moment I have needed it the most.  Never late – thankfully – and never early – isn’t that frustrating sometimes – He, through them, have provided for all my needs.

So, on this 2^nd day of November, 2007, ten days out of prison, I arrive at the church a few minutes before the hour of eight and start over again…..at the bottom.

Job Interview

During my time at the facility in Nashville, I was introduced to Cornerstone Church – via television – by a fellow inmate.  The pastor, a former inmate himself, was very open and frank about his crime, his conviction, and his incarceration.  I enjoyed their services (limited only to the preaching portion of the services) and planned to visit the church upon my release to take in the entire package.

This church and that intention was pushed far to the back after my relocation to West Tennessee.

Several weeks before my release from the “gated community”, my Nashville friend made contact with the pastor of the church, Maury Davis, and made inquiries about any assistance the church could offer me to help in my reintroduction into society.  My friend, overwhelmed by the sincerity and kindness of this man, told me of the pastor’s offer to hire me as part of the janitorial staff there at the church and of other possible assistance once he had met with me and determined needs and abilities.

Armed with this assurance, on my first morning in Nashville, I made my way to the church in an attempt to meet with this man of God, and, after being informed that both Pastor Davis and the administrative pastor were out of town, met with the Facilities Manager – the man who would turn out to be my boss.  After a short interview, I was told to report for work the following morning.

And just like that, due to the heart of a pastor, the outreach of a church, the sensitivity and care of a friend, and the overarching leading of a compassionate God, one of the most difficult hurdles confronting a newly released felon – employment – was behind me and an income stream provided.

Thank you, Lord!

Are We Next?

On July 7, 2005, London was terrorized by exploding backpack bombs in their subway system killing fifty-six people and injuring seven hundred others.  Eleven days later the terrorists attempted another strike using the same backpack bombs – luckily, however, the bombs, failing to detonate, injured only one person, and caused only minor damage.  Needless to say London has been in a state of panic and disbelief with police investigators working around the clock to apprehend those responsible.  This terrorist attack in London has our own Homeland Security System in high gear with everyone asking the question, “ARE WE NEXT?  When and how will they try to hit our country again?” World Net Daily has been warning all of us for weeks that suitcase bombs (nuclear) are already in the US!!  And that Al-Qaida’s plan is to place these bombs in major cities; New York, Chicago, LA, Miami, etc… and detonate these simultaneously in an effort to kill four million Americans – two million children will be in their cross hairs, to avenge the war casualties in Afghanistan and Iraq!!Paul Williams, an investigative reporter, former FBI consultant and author of several books, including “Osama’s Revenge: The Next 911”, predicts in his book;  “A nuclear attack by Al-Qaida would be launched Before The End Of 2005!!!Dear Friends, if “911” did the damage to our country that it did – What will atomic explosions do to us?  With millions, not thousands being destroyed in those blasts!!  My personal belief is that we cannot sustain that type of damage without our other enemies pouncing upon us while we are knocked to our knees… I feel this is the beginning of the tribulation, but first Jesus will fulfill his promise to us in John 14, when He said, “If I go away, I WILL COME AGAIN AND RECEIVE YOU UNTO MYSELF, THAT WHERE I AM, THERE YE MAY BE ALSO…” It’s time people, for He stated in Matt. 24:7-8, “For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there shall be pestilences and earthquakes in divers places.  All these are the beginnings of sorrows.”  Jesus said in Luke 21:28, “And when these things BEGIN TO COME TO PASS, then look up FOR YOUR REDEMPTION DRAWETH NIGH”!!All of our best students of bible prophesy are warning us that Jesus could come ANY MINUTE!  Men like Hal Lindsey, Tim LaHaye, John Hagee, Jack Van Impe, and others are urging us to “wake up – stand up – pack up – look up, and let’s get ready to GO UP!!  Praise the Lord!  “Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!”  Rev. 22:20                                                                                                                                                                   Pastor Bill 

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During my years in prison, my father wrote articles for his monthly church newsletter.  They each touched my heart, and those of the members of his church during that time; so much so that I want to share them with you.  May God continue to use the words of my father to minister through these pages and this medium.

Into The Unknown

And so it is that, after only a week of visits, adjustments, good food and comfortable, familiar surroundings, on Halloween morning, with my borrowed car loaded to the gills with most of my earthly belongings, I strike out from Memphis and head east up Interstate 40.  My first stop is set for I have a small contingent of friends in Nashville – dear friends who have believed in and supported me during these years of absence, who have managed my business and personal needs with such a calm and easy manner that I never once felt that I was an imposition or bother to them.  They were – and are – shining examples of the faithful servants of whom Jesus spoke for I was in prison and they cared for me, and I was in need and they provided for me.  They have ministered to me as unto Christ and for them I am so very grateful.  They found my first stop for me and so I aim the car toward Hendersonville, Tennessee, a village just north of and adjacent to Nashville, and another extended stay hotel there.

I know there are worse things than being alone in the world, but those 200 miles of Interstate were long and lonely.  Certainly never thought I would be in this position.  Even during the years away there was always a different plan in place – a plan that fizzled out at the very end of the thing.

Alone.  Unemployed.  Broke.  In a borrowed car.  I throw myself upon the mercies and in to the care of my Saviour.  Why are we so afraid to do that?  Why do we feel we have to have every little detail of life figured out?

He has a plan.  He hasn’t brought me this far to fail me now.  What better place in the world to be than helpless and in His care?

Friends, Favors & Football

It’s October 26th and looking back just a few short weeks – even a few days ago, in fact – I’m amazed at how skewed my perception of reality was. About so many things, but regarding transportation options in particular, I was deluded as to what life would be like outside the fence.
The morning of my first full day of freedom, and thanks to my father and step-father and their combined generosity, I walked the half mile between my hotel and the Enterprise location and drove away in a small sedan. It was expensive. It was a band aid. And yet even then I didn’t fully appreciate that fact. Just days earlier I had been looking through the paper planning which car I would buy and, after 2 days in the rental and a serious reality check, I realized that I might as well plan on buying the space shuttle as try to afford a car right now.
What was I going to do?  How was I going to move about, see my boys, and work without transportation?
What was I worried about? Was God not at work and in control?
Of course He was and today a dear friend handed me the keys to an extra vehicle and told me to use it for as long as I needed.
What a blessing. What a friend. What a favor. What a God.
So it was in my newly borrowed car and with a very grateful heart that I parked in the high school parking lot and witnessed my children perform with their marching band during the last football game of the season.
Everything has its season and I sure am enjoying this one.

A New Endeavor

Always exciting but also intimidating, a new project or endeavor yields a wonderful and strange mix of emotions and feelings.  That queasy sensation in the pit of your stomach that is occasionally welcomed and sometimes dreaded.  I had that feeling when I opened my own law firm.  I had the same wonderful and simultaneuously sickening feeling during my wife’s first pregnancy – the one with the twins.  In a much different way, the same mix of fear and wonderment were there when I was arrested and taken to jail for I knew, even in those first hours, that the end of the road I was now on lay far into the future and the outcome was largely – almost totally - out of my control.

So it is with this stange mix of feelings that I embark upon this venture.  Some may read these pages as they are in the midst of trials similar to mine.  Others may find these pages while they are in the early forays onto the roads that led me to where I am today.

Which ever situation best fits your circumstance, may God use these pages to provide help and encouragement, correction where it is needed,  and a knowledge that you are not alone in this journey and that His love will never fail you.

I welcome your comments.  I covet your prayers.  I am grateful for it all.