July 20, 2001

The days were moving so slowly.  Every minute seems a lifetime and there certainly were a lot of lifetimes.  Understandably, I was completely consumed by my own situation and problems.  They dominated my thought and prayer life.  I wondered where all my friends were.  I wondered why people weren’t being more attentive to me and my needs.

In short, I was self-absorbed and completely unable to grasp the way I had rocked everyone’s world.

A glimpse of this is seen in my mother’s letter.  Words like “constantly” and phases like “every waking moment” hit me hard and widened my vision a bit.

---

July 20, 2001

Dear Dan,

I have been thinking of you every waking moment.  You are constantly in my prayers.  I have been so concerned for you.

One day I called Mrs. V. H. Lewis (the widow of Dr. V. H. Lewis – General Superintendent).  She and I had a wonderful season of prayer and since that day I have had a peace that I really needed!   Mrs. Lewis is a prayer warrior and she has agreed to keep you in her prayers.

Nothing that you can do could change my love for you.  I still have great aspirations for you.

I understand from your brother that you need some money to get things from the store in the jail.  I’m sending this for that purpose.

Love you!

Mom

P.S. Please pray and keep in touch with God!

---

For more of the Prodigal’s Mail, click here.

Ruth Simmons

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and deeply loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.  (Col 3:12-16a)

 

My mother’s younger sister became my port in the storm.  You never know when your life experiences—the trials and storms through which you’ve traveled—are going to provide the tools needed to guide another through their times of trouble.

 

My Aunt Ruth is a perfect example.  After years of tumultuous marriage to my uncle, he, having found another, walked away from their marriage.  She was left to face many years of loneliness, heartache, education, and preparation which had given her a huge capacity to provide encouragement, empathy and the straight “I’ve been there and done that” talk which I needed so desperately during that period of time.

 

Upon my release from jail, I lived with my brother and his family for six weeks.  While I was so thankful for them and their hospitality, I began to feel my presence there was causing conflict in their marriage and disruption in their lives.  It was time to go.

 

Ruth, still living alone in a beautiful house situated on a lake outside Memphis, graciously took me in, gave me the downstairs master suite and fed me for ten months. 

 

From her recent letters, I feel confident she would agree that we helped each other in a symbiotic way through those months.  She provided a safe and stable home environment – a serene haven where the weekly visits with my children could occur within the terms of the court decree.  I helped with the upkeep of the property and was a companion to fill some of the lonely hours.

 

Together we ate, watched television, went to church.  We wept, laughed, prayed and rejoiced.  She advised, chastised, instructed and loved me through those days, and she will never (this side of heaven) fully comprehend how much I appreciate and love her for her help, love and sacrificial spirit.

 

She was my third angel!

---

Go on to Chapter 37….

Navigate here for the Deception Home Page.

One Hundred Dollars

The return trip from Memphis and my semi-monthly visit with the boys is always a bit of a bummer.

Add to that the unavoidable fact that Monday always follows Sunday which means that my normal 4 AM wakeup is waiting for me in the morning, and that, since this is the 27^th of January, payday is still a week away and there has definitely been more month than money this month, the result is only a small step above depression on the emotional scale.

As I drive up the highway toward the house, I decide, in a poorly veiled effort to delay my return to the uninhabited rooms of my home, to stop by the Post Office to check my box.  I can see the house from the parking lot.  It’s sitting over there mocking me – “Come on in….loneliness is waiting over here!”

A feeling of aloneness washes over me unlike anything I’ve experienced since those early post-release days that found me sitting in that hotel.  “How am I ever going to make it on my own?” kept running through my mind, augmenting the separation anxiety that is customary after my visits and enhancing the unsettledness that rides with me on these return trips.

So now that you have a picture of my frame of mind as I approach my mailbox, you will know that I expect very little as I turn the key and open the door.  Maybe a bill or two.  Perhaps just emptiness staring back at me.

Neither is the case. 

You see, a friend, knowing my situation and my borderline despair, had been praying.  I didn’t find this out until after the fact, but he had.  Without saying anything to anyone other than God, he had brought my situation before the throne of God and, as only God can, He answered.

As I open my box, I see a single envelope awaiting my arrival and my attention.  Without return address, with overtly disguised handwriting, it sits there.  Curious, I pick it up and open it.

I pull out two blank pieces of paper and a single One Hundred Dollar bill.  And, like I wrote after a similar experience  earlier in the month, tears fill my eyes and gratitude swells my heart.  I’m not alone.  God is providing.  Through someone, the identity of whom I may never know, He lifts my head and my spirits just when I need it the most.

Suddenly the house isn’t so mockingly empty.  Suddenly the bank account isn’t as much of a concern.  Suddenly, in the way only God can do it, my lonely heart is filled with His peace and His presence.   He will provide a way where there seems to be no way.

The First Paycheck

My first post-prison paycheck was deposited on December 1, 2007.  Quite a reality check.  After working all month – after working harder than during any other time in my life – the net pay deposited into my checking account seemed paltry by comparison to my former life.  Doing the math on the matter, it is quickly determined that I am now making less than ten percent of what I used to make.  A tithe.

It occurs to me that there is a message in this.  Before June of 2001, living with all the material possessions and blessings that the world seems to covet and strive for so, I was miserable, stressed out, financially strapped and mentally exhausted.  I was slowly killing myself to maintain the lifestyle to which I and my family had become accustomed and there was little to no satisfaction in life.  The money was good – great, in fact – but the trade off was far from a bargain.  I was no good to anyone other than as a provider of a paycheck.  I was no good to God for I was living like hell and hypocrite fails to adequately describe the divergence or my actions and my thoughts.

Now, seven years later, alone, broke, living in a rented house, driving a borrowed car, working as a janitor, far from just about everyone I love, I can testify that I have never been more at peace.  Never in my life have I experienced the joy and contentment I have at this moment.

God will – and is doing so – supply all my needs according to His boundless riches in glory. For the first time in my life I can report that I want what I have and I am so grateful for all that others so generously give.

Praise His Dear Name!

God’s Provision

Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 
John 12:24

This is out of sequence and I really don’t care.  It is important and so much so that it bears immediate attention.  Besides, it’s my weblog so I get break the sequence if I choose, right?

I just finished writing the previous post dealing with the execution of the lease and the wondrous movement of the Spirit of God in my life.  Thinking I would get out for a minute to get some fresh air, I stopped by the Post Office to check the mail, only because there is really nowhere else to go and, with gas at close to three dollars a gallon, too expensive to get there even if there were.

As I stepped in front of my box and turned the key, my expectations were low.  There’s never anything in there.  Sometimes I wonder way I bother to stop in at all.

Now I know why.  It’s for moments like this when the evidence of God’s amazing and miraculous “just on time”-ness is experienced in such a vivid and overwhelming way.

My finances this month are a bit challenging.  Details aren’t the point here, but it’s the 12^th of the month and the bank account is already down to double digits.  Nineteen days till payday and I’ve been wondering……

In the box today, sitting there keeping my gas bill company, was a card from a person I watched grow up.  I was there shortly after his birth.  Probably changed a diaper or two.  Took pride in his accomplishments, usually from afar due to circumstances.  And have watched as his life has blossomed into a life of ministry to others for God.

His identity will remain undisclosed for now for I don’t believe he did this for any recognition but only out of love for me and a heart of service to God.  His note touched my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched in a while as evidenced by the sudden flow of tears blurring my vision as I read his words.  Words of confidence and faith in me at a time when that is such a rare thing.  Words of blessing and hope for the future I desperately needed at just that moment.

And a check .

The Voice of the Spirit.  The Hand of the Father.  The love and provision of the Son. 

Indeed!

Good or Best?

^“…and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and his offering,…”  Genesis 4:4

One brother brought a gift from his excess.  One brought a gift of his best. 

Reminds me of a credit card statement.  These things come in every month and offer a choice.  I can choose to pay the minimum payment and live under the rule of debt or I can sacrifice and give from the deeper pocket and strip that burden from my life.

Through this time I have reaped the benefits of a lifetime of choosing not to deal with the minimums when dealing with God.  Even though I fell away from Him and chose the wrong life path for a while, He has protected and provided even here. 

Give of your best to the Master.  You’ll never be sorry you did for you will surely pass through the deep waters at various stages of life and you will need His protection and provision, regardless of how self-reliant you may feel at the moment.

Deep waters….I’ve been through some pretty impressive floods these past years.  And He has been true to His Word: my troubles have not overwhelmed me.  By and through Him, I will overcome this thing, living under His control, in His plan and because of His forgiveness and gracious forgetfulness.

He didn’t wait with crossed arms and a scowl on His face.  Mercy came running to this prodigal.  The prisoner of sin has been set free!

---

For more Ponderings, click here.

At The Bottom Again

It’s Friday.  It’s early November.  It’s a beautiful day and I head off to my first day on the new job.  So many thoughts rush through.  All I used to have.  All I gave up.  All that’s lost.  All that’s ahead.

The emotions pound as I drive to work.  Anger at myself for being so stupid.  Remorse over the sinful and criminal acts.  Loneliness as I realize that, at least for the foreseeable future, I am alone.  Fear over how I will make it at the new pay scale.  Apprehension which accompanies every new job.

Those are the negative emotions, but there are some positive ones, as well.  Gratitude to God for providing once again.  If I’m worried about finances now, how much worse would it be if there were no job and I was having to beat the pavement to find a position only then to have to try and convince the boss that I was worth the risk.  I am grateful to Him.

And I am grateful to so many who have made the choice to believe in me and have been so faithful to give me the much needed assistance and always just at the moment I have needed it the most.  Never late – thankfully – and never early – isn’t that frustrating sometimes – He, through them, have provided for all my needs.

So, on this 2^nd day of November, 2007, ten days out of prison, I arrive at the church a few minutes before the hour of eight and start over again…..at the bottom.

Job Interview

During my time at the facility in Nashville, I was introduced to Cornerstone Church – via television – by a fellow inmate.  The pastor, a former inmate himself, was very open and frank about his crime, his conviction, and his incarceration.  I enjoyed their services (limited only to the preaching portion of the services) and planned to visit the church upon my release to take in the entire package.

This church and that intention was pushed far to the back after my relocation to West Tennessee.

Several weeks before my release from the “gated community”, my Nashville friend made contact with the pastor of the church, Maury Davis, and made inquiries about any assistance the church could offer me to help in my reintroduction into society.  My friend, overwhelmed by the sincerity and kindness of this man, told me of the pastor’s offer to hire me as part of the janitorial staff there at the church and of other possible assistance once he had met with me and determined needs and abilities.

Armed with this assurance, on my first morning in Nashville, I made my way to the church in an attempt to meet with this man of God, and, after being informed that both Pastor Davis and the administrative pastor were out of town, met with the Facilities Manager – the man who would turn out to be my boss.  After a short interview, I was told to report for work the following morning.

And just like that, due to the heart of a pastor, the outreach of a church, the sensitivity and care of a friend, and the overarching leading of a compassionate God, one of the most difficult hurdles confronting a newly released felon – employment – was behind me and an income stream provided.

Thank you, Lord!

Into The Unknown

And so it is that, after only a week of visits, adjustments, good food and comfortable, familiar surroundings, on Halloween morning, with my borrowed car loaded to the gills with most of my earthly belongings, I strike out from Memphis and head east up Interstate 40.  My first stop is set for I have a small contingent of friends in Nashville – dear friends who have believed in and supported me during these years of absence, who have managed my business and personal needs with such a calm and easy manner that I never once felt that I was an imposition or bother to them.  They were – and are – shining examples of the faithful servants of whom Jesus spoke for I was in prison and they cared for me, and I was in need and they provided for me.  They have ministered to me as unto Christ and for them I am so very grateful.  They found my first stop for me and so I aim the car toward Hendersonville, Tennessee, a village just north of and adjacent to Nashville, and another extended stay hotel there.

I know there are worse things than being alone in the world, but those 200 miles of Interstate were long and lonely.  Certainly never thought I would be in this position.  Even during the years away there was always a different plan in place – a plan that fizzled out at the very end of the thing.

Alone.  Unemployed.  Broke.  In a borrowed car.  I throw myself upon the mercies and in to the care of my Saviour.  Why are we so afraid to do that?  Why do we feel we have to have every little detail of life figured out?

He has a plan.  He hasn’t brought me this far to fail me now.  What better place in the world to be than helpless and in His care?

Friends, Favors & Football

It’s October 26th and looking back just a few short weeks – even a few days ago, in fact – I’m amazed at how skewed my perception of reality was. About so many things, but regarding transportation options in particular, I was deluded as to what life would be like outside the fence.
The morning of my first full day of freedom, and thanks to my father and step-father and their combined generosity, I walked the half mile between my hotel and the Enterprise location and drove away in a small sedan. It was expensive. It was a band aid. And yet even then I didn’t fully appreciate that fact. Just days earlier I had been looking through the paper planning which car I would buy and, after 2 days in the rental and a serious reality check, I realized that I might as well plan on buying the space shuttle as try to afford a car right now.
What was I going to do?  How was I going to move about, see my boys, and work without transportation?
What was I worried about? Was God not at work and in control?
Of course He was and today a dear friend handed me the keys to an extra vehicle and told me to use it for as long as I needed.
What a blessing. What a friend. What a favor. What a God.
So it was in my newly borrowed car and with a very grateful heart that I parked in the high school parking lot and witnessed my children perform with their marching band during the last football game of the season.
Everything has its season and I sure am enjoying this one.